Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Today We Will Slay the Breakfast Burrito.

Ho, there!  The breakfast burrito!  The illustrious breakfast burrito!  We are here today to honor the power, the refined magnificence and bold flavor sensation of the greatest food in the Kingdom!  Huzzah!

It is everything you want or need, wrapped up in a tortilla to form a log-like mush.  You are not worthy unless you consume this log.  This swelling lump of bacon, egg, cheese and potato is the true test into Knighthood.  To slay thee you will become one with the gargoyle, a mortal bond between man and grease.  Yes, there will be grease, young one.  You have been warned, you have been told of the consequences.  There is no turning back, there are no bathroom breaks and you will have a limited amount of napkins.

Are you worthy?  Do you dare enter the dragon?

Behold!  Within these paper walls lies an animal ready to pounce!  Do not disturb...unless you are ready for the challenge.  Are you hungry?  Are you not pregnant?  How tall are you?  Once you meet the requirements, you will be treated with respect and honor, for you have taken upon this quest with mettle.  Your courage is bright, but do not get cocky.  Thy monster is tricky, devilish swine not to be taken lightly.

Head forth!  Through the forest and into the dirty bowels of the local diner!  Good luck!

There it is!  The animal un-caged!  A wedge so delicately formed and molded into what will become your greatest friend...or greatest enemy.  Which will it be?  Whose side will you be on?  Do not fret, for the cavalry is here, your allies in a belly-battle have readied themselves at the helm -- miniature cups of green sauce, ready to be dipped at your service, sir!

Unwrap the beast, child, head forth into destiny...

The barbarian is loose!  Draw your fork!  Defend yourself!  Wait...you didn't bring a fork?  What is wrong with you, squire?  Do you realize what you've done?  No time for regrets, use both your hands to straddle and strangle the abominable creature!  That's right, both hand gripped tightly to seal off it's last breath!  Don't let go!  Whatever you do DO NOT LET GO!

Ah, it's bite is deadly and fierce!  It's teeth are bigger than we've all imagined, the mouth wide and gaping, a mixture of chopped up ingredients and lubricious hell-fire!

Damn you, beast!  No time to waste!  We must simply use the same tactics as the fiend!  Yes, you heard me...you must bite your way to victory!  YES!  There you go!  Your human fangs destroy and dominate!  You are victorious in this battle!  The realm is yours, The Kingdom is at your feet!  Women cry out your name, men applaud your triumph!  You are a fearless man, you are a champion, you are a true Knight at the Dinner Table!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Today I Will Frame a Poster.

When you get older, you really start to notice how dumb certain things are.  I can't really come up with any examples but my point is that posters look like shit without a frame.

When you're a kid you don't care about using thumbtacks to slap up a ripped, bent up piece of paper on your bedroom walls.  We've all done it.  Frames are expensive and besides, no self respecting teen would be caught dead in a crafts store.

But now we're older, we're wiser.  We want our valuables to be displayed properly, classier and just generally preserved-ier.  All my best toys are in glass cases, graphic novels are lined properly in slick bookshelves, VHS are specifically retro and unique.  We ain't foolin' anyone (nerds!) but it's a start.

I have a poster.  It needs to be framed.  I've been wanting to frame it for years.  Either I've been blind to this revolution, but I seriously see a huge influx in moderately priced frames for all the oddest shapes and sizes.  Sure, you're screwed if what you're framing is SUPER wacky, but who would of thought there would have been 11" by 17" frames, like, everywhere.  And easy to find, too.  I think I'm just bitter because OUR POSTERS THAT WE SELL ARE THIS SIZE WHY DIDN'T ANYONE EVER TELL ME.

So this is a solid size.  Good measurements.  Not too big and not too small, a great addition to add in between all the nooks and crevices of your boring, drab walls.  I've come to appreciate insane, overblown walls.  I like it when everything is covered in posters, flyers, records, etc.  I'm turning my entire place into a circus, yeah.  What can ya do?

Say, have you heard of Rocket From the Crypt?  Oh, you have!  Well, Rocket From the Crypt has been one of my favorite bands for the longest time now.  They called it quits a few years ago, but have only recently picked up their instruments to tour the world once again.  I've never seen them live, which is a cryin' shame, but until I do, their legacy lives on in the form of CDs, albums and a really cool tour poster of a scorpion.  I might have a thing for scorpions.

I'm only writing this just to publicly gush about them online.  Fine, it's been said.  There's always a tiny hope in the back of my head that one day, somehow, they will read this and extend a happy, helping hand to play alongside them.  I really hope they like gushing.  I'm good at gushing.

Their music rules.  It's everything I love in a band.  It's pure rock and roll at it's heart-thumping finest.  Great beats, cool image and a great singer/lyricist.  And by default, they win any award imaginable by including a horn section that doesn't automatically turn their band into terrible ska.

So yeah, check them out.

Well, I'll be.  Looks better than I imagined.  My expectations are exceeded, save for that little white string in the bottom right hand corner of the picture.  All expectations are now destroyed and I hate it to pieces.

I'm thinking of hanging it up in my bathroom.  I like it when bathrooms have a specific motif.  It can be a shrine to the band, a holy place to worship the Big Sound of one of the best bands in all the land.

A place to release a few "Rockets From the Shit."


Thank you and goodnight.