Thursday, May 22, 2014

Quick and Crappy Coffee Review: Kona 13 Coffee & Tea

I went to Kona 13 Coffee & Tea and it's got coffee and it's good here are three things why it's good:

1. The name of the shop uses the word "Kona."

The word "Kona" is fresh, it's vast and it's exhilarating. It instantly brings to mind the sandy shores of Hawaii, luaus and pigs roasting over a fire. It's a great word, a solid word, the perfect word for use in any business. I'm not even really sure what "Kona" even means, but it's hooked me so there ya go.

2. The previous coffee shop before Kona 13 Coffee & Tea sucked, so by default, Kona 13 Coffee & Tea is already a winner.

Before Kona 13 Coffee & Tea came into existence, another coffee joint was in it's spot. It was a place called "Baristas" and it was the silliest little thing you ever done see. In a nutshell, it was a Hooters for coffee. Their idea was to have their female employees sell coffee in lingerie, giving you thrills and chills and all sorts of tinglies. If the regular, ordinary consumer of a fine cup of Joe is anything like me, they'd be too embarrassed to order anything in a joint like that so uhhh yeah. It's just too much pressure. Too much hype. Too many pervy vibes floating around at eight in the morning.

Which is all just a calculated guess as to what's going on inside -- I've never even set foot in the place. I've only driven past it a handful of times. Alright, I was in the bushes. With a telescope. Ten miles away.

They went kapoot so whatever.

3. I was tagged as a spy for competing coffee companies.

My skills in undercover photography have been weak at best. My skills in regular, every day photography suck ass, too. WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY is that I'm terrible at taking photos, especially when I'm supposed to look like I'm not taking photos. It's my ultimate Achilles Heel. It's awkward. It's frustrating. Because it's awkward and frustrating it never isn't awkward and frustrating. If that makes any sense. god this is so frustrating you're making me feel awkward

So I got caught taking photos. I got bold and snapped one of the inside area (it's more of a "stand" than a "shop") which was outrageously ballsy, even for me. It might have tipped the scales because yes I got caught red-handed. By the guy running the show. He asked, "So, what are the pictures for? Am I gonna see this online?"

I would have been totally fucked if he did it in a sinister way. It was more of a wink and a nudge type deal, which helped formulate any type of lie I was about to bust out, it allowed for more breathing room.


Which I guess worked. Probably didn't. I then decided to tell him that I recently purchased a new phone and was merely testing out the new phone's camera taking abilities. Like, duh! So obvious! The more unnecessary details the more convincing the lie!

If the lies and deceit didn't work, it's alright. I'm just hoping he'll somehow see this post down the line and it'll be even weirder somehow. "Why would he lie?" he'd wonder. "BECAUSE" I'd reply.

Oh, and the coffee's good.

I mean, c'mon. It's coffee.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014


He's here! He's here! He's really here!

He's green! He's mean! He's got a purple chest?


That is Altar Beast. A sewer-colored demon wolf with small parts, not for children under fourteen. The fine folks at were kind enough to hook me up with an Altar Beast figure at HorrorHound Weekend, which was great because I do like beasts and I do like candy-apple green colored beasts, too.

They must have known that I'm a big fan of the art toy revolution. There's a certain smell about my person. The seedy underbelly of producing, trading and colleting artsy molds of all sorts of weird shit, really cool. My pheromones are in overdrive just thinking about it! Whatever you want = you make. I like how it's so DIY and unique and colorful. And super fucking expensive but let's not go down that road and ruin the buzz ya know yeah

I'm no expert, but this one is good. Really good. Even the name is good. "Altar Beast." So tough. So beast! The way he stares, the way he struts, the way he's a LIME GREEN WEREWOLF.

I like this pose, too. They sculpted it just right. The "hands above the head" look works in many ways. He's either extreme in attack/scare mode or ready to body-slam the shit out of the entirety of Castle Greyskull. It looks like he moves at the waist but I can neither confirm nor deny this for I refuse to take it out of the package hahaha just kidding YOLO

I love it. My new favorite thing ever. Feels all smooth and slick. Looks even better out of it's cage. Looks highly chew-able, too. Probably tastes good, too. Looks like it belongs in my mouth, is what I'm trying to say.

The only thing that would make this better would be to give it the face of a bee so you can call it "Altar Bee-st." So it would be like a killer bee, but still hold elements of it's wolf-beast form. I dunno. I just really like puns.