Thursday, June 26, 2014

my bloody moosehead beer

so i saw this movie it was called "my bloody valentine" and it was okay it had a bunch of stuff like other stuff with kids being dumb and having parties and getting killed. i'd say it was on par with the classics like freddy and jason but this guy had a mining helmet and a gas mask so it's different i guess

the story is of a bunch of miners that were killed in a mining accident and someone related i think to one of the miners or a friend or something wants to exact revenge so he kills everyone involved like the bosses and the city is named Valentine bluffs too if that helps/.

i dunno you just gotta see it

but the best part was when all the kids were getting down and getting crazy and drinking beer and beer and more beer. this specific beer (which is somehow featured all throughout or maybe my eyes just have a tendency to see beer) looked really good, sounded good and probably tasted good

theres even an old guy who runs the bar or something and he tells them "be careful the guy will kill you!" because he's old and has experience with this tragedy and he's always serving moosehead and standing in front of moosehead signs which i stole from google search so hopefully i don't get sued for that.

theyre always drinking the stuff and i've never heard of it! i think this is a canada film with canada people so the stuff they have over there is pretty different so i guess that's why

weeeeell i found that beer HERE in the good old us of a and boy howdy was i ever pleased. i knew god was shining down on me that day when all i had to do was think of it and then it shows up at a liquor store i mean what the fuck is moosehead anyways? there is an allure and mystique but not like the xmen mystique this is another movie

who knows and who cares! IT"S BEEEER!!!!

they only sold it in a 12 packs but that's fine i can drink it like those party kids. it's a lager and its imported and it has a picture of a moose which i like. usually its horses or frogs or interesting men so this is a nice change of pace

well there she is looking just like it looked in the movie. i think it tastes good but i tend to like things people i see other people doing except like bungee jumping and reading books i saw a video on the internet and it scared me for life

you should try it like watch a movie and see a beer and then get that beer to drink. it's a really fun way to blow a weekend i drank a lot then i stood up and was like WHOAAA what happened so it's a pretty good way to get sick and blow a weekend

do it

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Carpet Displacement Theory.

There's a lot of things that bother me. I can't help it -- I just absolutely get annoyed by nearly everything. Well, not everything. In fact, if I were to whittle down the list of things that I worry about, it would fall under the category of inane and pointless. Because most everything I dream about, think about or concern myself over is pretty stupid. The dumber the better. I can't help it. It's like an OCD with ADD and a dash of OMG.

So, what's bothering me now?

Carpet wrinkles. Ugly carpet wrinkles.

OK, here's the thing: it's really not that big of a deal. I get to live under a roof with a toilet and a kitchen and I get to watch TV and strum a guitar and occasionally eat food. It's not a bad gig, really. Griping over a few inconsistencies in a cheap, poorly installed carpet is pathetic even for me.

But it's my blog so oh well suck it!

I've always wanted wood floors, to be perfectly honest. Creaky, classy wood floors. It would eliminate any carpet suffering! Destroy all sadness! Every time I turn around it seems like everyone's got wood flooring (fake or not) and the jealously overrides. Again, not that big of a deal but fuck that would be nice. Clickin' and clompin' all over creation. To dream!

What I'm currently involved in is a carpet with weird, bubbly pockets scattered throughout. I suppose they make decent ramps for Hotwheels, but don't help in keeping up with the Jones'. I know the Jones' have faux wooden floors. Those pretentious fucks.

Here's one of the main offenders. A camera literally does not do this justice because I very well know there's a wrinkle there but you clearly cannot see a wrinkle there. It's that black line. If you squint. And imagine with your heart.


Here's a closer, lower angle. You get the idea, it's jacked, it's there, I obsess. Take my word for it. All that aside, what am I gonna do about it? Why did I call you all here today?

WELL I've come up a theory. An idea. A blueprint. A fool-proof plan. I have a curiously odd proposal on how to amend this carpet treason.

I call it "Carpet Displacement Theory."

My hypothesis is that one area will and SHOULD give way to fate, invention and really heavy things. The plan is to leave hefty objects on said wrinkles in an attempt to flatten them out. The wait of these objects would displace the wrinkles and bubbles and allow me to sleep better at night. Hence, "CARPET DISPLACEMENT THEORY." So grab yourself a small TV, a toolbox or a stack of's time to get busy!

I like to use a laundry basket. It's inconspicuous, unobtrusive and if questioned, no one can fault you for doing your laundry. 

Now, to leave it overnight for twenty-four hours!

Again, pictures don't do it justice. But then again, it didn't do anything so whatever. My theory, sadly, is just a thoery. And in practice totally fucking sucks. In a way, it DOES kind of work, because the area, to the well trained eye, kind of looks flattened and corrected, but I'm guessing it's only because a certain area of carpet is smashed up so yea of course it looks different duh

Did we learn anything today? No. Not at all. You kind of caught a glimpse into my neurosis, which is kind of cool. Wait, is that even the definition of neurosis? What's neurosis? Oh, God, I'm having a panic attack.

yay see ya next time

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

49397793 bottle caps

I have so many bottle caps.

A lot of bottle caps. What do I do with these bottle caps? They're beer bottle caps and there's a whole hell of a lot of them. Mexican, American, German, cheap domestics and douchey microbrews. Why is there so many? "What in the world have you been up to?"you ask. Well, you condescending jerk, don't assume this is all from, say, a week of collection. What makes you think I could do that? Drink that many, I mean. Well, what makes you think I can't drink that much beer in a week? What an asshole! GET OUT OF MY FACE

Wait wait wait. The cold, hard slap of reality has just hit. You've done this to me, you've opened my eyes. Is this my Swan Song? Are all these beer bottle caps the treasure map to my death? what have i done?! what does my liver look? did I really drink all this beer I take it all back I'll go start drinking water and pomegranite stuff and i'll do that juicing thinging everyone's into!!!

WAIT WAIT NO. This is a collection from the last year. Yes, that last year. In fact, I remember clearly now: the first bottle cap opened and saved was FROM AN EXACT YEAR AGO no that's not really true. I have no idea. But it's been a year. About a year. Give or take.

What do I do with these? I don't want to make beer bottle cap frames with hot glue. I once saw that online. It looked good but kind of cheesy. What about tying them up like popcorn on a string? How long would something like that take? What would I even do with a massive string of bottle caps, anyhow? Hang laundry? Hang laundry specifically cleaned because of beer spills? Yay or nay?


I got it! I know what to do! I can start "The World's Largest Beer Bottle Cap Collection!" Maybe even open a museum! Well, I'd hate for people to be near me so forget that last part. Don't they have online musuems? I can charge a dollar NO WAIT FIVE DOLLARS. With that kind of money I can get more beer! Which brings in more bottle caps! I'vce done it! I'VE DONE IT I'VE SOLVED IT!

yay tuesday