XMAS HAUL, 2013.

What, what did ya get?

Oh, that's great!  You really needed that, too.  It's definitely gonna come in handy.  And I always heard the life warranty on those things were fantastic.  So that's great, yeah.  Oh, what did I get?  Well, not much, this and that...a few little things to tide me over into the new year.

JUST KIDDING I GOT A KEURIG COFFEE MAKER.

The greatest and quickest way to make a single cup of freshly brewed coffee.  This is the Lazy Man's Brew.  This is modern technology!

For years I've scoffed at the notion of a Keurig.  Extra emphasis on the "eu" part, accentuating it's pretentiousness.  Actually buying expensive little plastic cups to brew expensive little plastic coffee?  Who do you think I am?

"It's ludicrous!" I'd shout.  "It's wasteful and tacky and lame!" I'd proclaim.  I've since succumbed to BIK (Believers in Keurig) because this is the best cup of coffee brewed in under forty-five seconds.

My mom has one, and I've always liked using it because you could make a single cup of Joe without the fuss and muss of grounding up beans or scooping out grounds from a tin can.  AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON FILTERS.  Unless you're using a French press or heating up water for instant, the whole damn thing is an exercise in exhibiting patience.  Yeeeeah I'm literally over blowing the whole thing because it really doesn't take that long to warm up a standard pot of regular coffee.  So then what the fuck is the point of a Kuerig?

Well, it is quicker, but it's also maddeningly convenient.  You know how you waste a full pot of coffee when all you wanted was a single cup?  Those days are gone, my friend.  Sure, it's definitely more expensive and there's probably a lingering chemical taste in each serving (the whole thing is a boiling machine of hot plastic) but it's totally worth it.  I'd assume this is great for single people or anyone who updates their Facebook with Bitsrips.  Because you're probably single.

It's good stuff.  It really did taste like burning plastic at first, but a dozen or so run-throughs and the stank is nearly non-existent.  Hell, I use so much half-and-half it really doesn't even matter what I'm drinking.

The only negative is strictly ridiculous and of my own accord.  I suppose I like the sight and smell of a Mr. Coffee drip.  A steaming pot of coffee is just so classic and vintage it reminds me of movies that take place in police stations and drunken late night trips to Dunkin' Donuts.  You don't get that with a Keuring.  But it's still cool.  Like, really cool.  This was a good Christmas.  I love Christmas.

See you next year!

Christmas Shopping Sucks.

I'm done I'm done I'M FUCKING DONE WITH CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.

Over the years, 

I still don't understand why it becomes so hard for me to buckle down and buy something for anyone.  It's not that I don't like purchasing gifts for friends and family, it's just that I gotta leave the house and really think about what people want.  And that's hard.  I could know you for ten years and still have trouble buying you lunch.  BUT I THOUGHT YOU LIKED GYROS.

I'm shocked that I wait until the day before Christmas Eve to do the brunt of all my shopping.  It's legitimately shocking.  I actually I'm completely shocked and aghast and disgusted with myself.  I mean, what's my problem?  I must be so lazy and demented and unsound that this actually seems like a good idea.  Because, truth be told, there's not that many people I have to buy for.

In my family, we've decided that you will buy something for the parents.  You don't necessarily have to, but it's unwise if you didn't.  You will also have a choice in purchasing goods for the younger generation.  This is also a choice.  Whether you want to be Bad Ass /Aunt/Uncle is entirely up to you.  And since there are so many siblings and in-laws, we've decided to each pull a name out of a hat and only worry about that single, lone person.  So what was once a shit-storm of gift giving has now been reduced to spending about twenty bucks on an older sister you barely see.  That's it, that's all, now worries and no mess.  You're in, you're out, happy new year.

BUT THIS IS STILL IMPOSSIBLE.

I can't think straight, there's too much pressure, I've got a headache and the smell of people is making me feel weird.  Someone brushed against my shoulder I think I'm gonna die!

And, of course, with blowing any wad of cash in one sitting, I instantly feel like I'm in financial ruins and will need to declare bankruptcy in the next twenty-four hours.  I don't even know how to do that or what that even means but yeah I spent a shit load of money.

OF COURSE there's a silver lining.  I wouldn't deck the halls with balls of holly and not get myself something, now would I?  I did all the dirty work so now I demand a treat.  The madness of a single Target the morning before Christmas Eve warrants delight.  I want a present, too!

Total impulse buy.  Waiting in the checkout line and thar she blows -- Topps' Garbage Pail Kids Sticker Cards.  A total classic, a time honored treat, a the light at the end of any tunnel.  I wanted to melt into the ground and disappear into nothingness at this point so the welcome sight of disgusting babies doing disgusting things calmed me into solidity.  I remained one mass.  I did not ooze.

I would have went nuttier.  I should have went bigger.  I would have bought something really dumb and useless, but time wasn't on my side and I really wanted to get back into my pajamas.  Stickers of gross kids popping zits and committing suicide is nothing to complain about, though.  I hate shopping and I hate buying things for other people but I sure do love these.  I finally feel calm and at peace during this joyous holiday season.  My Christmas is saved!

The usual suspects in a mess of mucus and pus.  I feel at home with Garbage Pail Kids.  First and foremost, I like how these things still exist in a modern world, secondly, I really like how these double as stickers.  Such barf-filled fun can be shared with the simple slap of a heavy hand.  That was just a fancy way for saying you can totally fuck up your friends' car windows with these things.

The search is still on for a "Bobby" Garbage Pail Kid for my guitar, but I ain't cryin'.  The hunt is way better than the catch.

Christmas shopping still sucks, but this Monday night I am at peace.

I'm calm.

I'm cool.

Oh, yeah.

BREAKING DOWN ALL CHRISTMAS BARRIERS.

I don't have a Christmas tree.  And do be honest, I don't even really want a Christmas tree.  Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas and if somebody bought and constructed a Christmas tree specifically for my living room then yeah, sure, I'll take a Christmas tree.  But actions speak louder than words because uggggh I don't want to go through the trouble.  Call me lazy.  Call me a Grinch.  Call me hesitant on putting up a hundred dollars worth of a big hassle just to tear it back down in a week.  That's kind of my fault, though, since Christmas is, like, practically tomorrow.  My bad.

Buuuut, if I can assemble something specifically for the holidays that can be used year round without question...why, that would be keen!

And so enters the Christmas Palm Tree.

I like this idea.  I like this look.  I've seen a lot of people do this over the years and it always seemed really cool and chic and hip.   There's an air of simplicity and nonchalance about decorating a palm tree instead of going the classic route with a big ol' pine.  To me it says, "I care...but I really don't."  BUT PLEASE UNDERSTAND that I do care.  I totally dig Christmas.  Besides, we live in the southwest so no one gives a shit about a palm tree just chillin' in your house.

The lights!  The magic!  Everything twinkles and sparkles and shines.  I've got eight-thousand "A Christmas Story" themed ornaments I've been dying to use, so I'm pretty stoked on that.  Throw a few hastily wrapped DVDs under the thing and BAM let's call it a day.  The DVDs will be for me, so I'm thinking "Cyborg" with Van Damme and "Men at Work" with the Estevez brothers.

I figure I can leave it up year round.  This is the catalyst for greater things to come.  There's nothing stopping me from turning my place into a den of total beach relaxation.  As you can already tell, my walls have been painted yellow in an attempt to recreate sunshine, happiness and fine, Mexican restaurant luxury.  All I need now is a hammock and a six pack of Dos Equis.  My older sister thinks Dos Equis tastes like tires but I disagree.  I can't formulate an answer that can properly deny this claim, but I certainly don't think it tastes like tires.  I highly recommend a slice of lime and salt to heighten the flavor, Older Sister.  Makes the world of difference.

Now, I'm thinking I wanna cover my couch in lobsters and king crabs but I figure that would be too much.  Anyone who would come over to hang out and have a seat would eventually move them and disorganize the entire setup and that wouldn't quite jive well with me.  There's a certain placement with this kind of thing, a definite feng shui to the underwater wild.  But I suppose that I don't want to get into too much of an underwater theme to the place -- no one likes SeaWorld that much.

I think what I have going is a good thing.  I watch TV and my eyes divert to the corner where the palm tree stands.  A warmth fills my body.  If that isn't Christmas cheer I don't know what is.  I hope your holidays are filled with merriness and good tidings and all that other shit.

All that good shit.

Christmas in a Bottle!

There's a few things I really like about Christmas.  First and foremost would be the presents.  Following close behind would be the food and, consequently, the smell of food.  And I guess the decorations and the music and any Christmas themed episodes of any sitcom ever.  So pretty much everything.  BUT PRETTY MUCH THIS:

I dabble in scented candles.  I really do.  I like potpourri, I like scented pinecones, I even like those trash bags that kind of smell like flowers.  I try to get the candles that can stink up entire rooms, but I've yet to come across any that work unless you're hovering a foot and a half away from the source.  And even then you're kind of just doing that "sticking your nose in the air for a whiff" thing.

AND SO ENTERS THE GLAD HOLIDAY TREAT SPRAY.

It's genius.  It's incredible.  It's vicious in it's simplicity.  Instead of waiting for the scent to go to you, you go to the scent.  You intermingle, you join, you become one.  You spray the damn stuff all over your furniture and literally sit in the stink of your own desire.  I figure there are other drizzle machines before the "Sweet Holiday Treat" version, but this is the first I've heard about it and this is all that counts.  It's Christmas and I really don't want to bake actual cookies.  I want it to smell like I did.

Ahh!  Sweet holiday treat!  Dulces para las fiestas!  What are you?  What secrets are hidden in your spray?  What darling confectionery will my nose be sucking in this holiday season?  What fragrance will dribble down the spout and forever stain my fingers with an unmistakable Christmas odor?

It's that!  It's that's thing!  The smell of cupcakes covered in a drippling of spiral icing!  Could that be chocolate?  Carrot cake?  Gluten-free red velvet?  Who cares!  It's Christmas!

Easy enough stuff, man.  Squeeze the trigger and go nuts.  Just don't point down.  Or in your mouth, even if you really, really want to.

It smells crazy good.  It's like cinnamon and vanilla and JOY.  It's overpowering, which I like, and it keeps the flavor of fun present for quite some time.  Definitely lasts longer than a few movies on Netflix.  Can't tell ya how long this sucker will be able to keep on doin' it's thang, but I figure it'll last all of December.  Assuming I'm humble with my spritzes.  So for what I can tell, this spray does the job and it does it well.  I cannot recommend this enough.  It's become my passion, my obsession.  I am a skunk in the wild.  A pheromone squirting animal.  I AM THE MIDNIGHT SPITTER.

A+

I GOTTA OPEN IT I GOTTA OPEN IT.

There you are, so fine and dusty, a plastic treasure among the ruins.  You are Hordak, a villain in the Masters of the Universe universe, a bone faced bastard with a super cool bat logo on your chest.  You've risen to the top in terms of looks, prowess and weaponry.  I vaguely see a crossbow and OMG is that a little red bat to sit upon an outstretched arm??? (Imagine a crossbow and a cute little bat -- I forgot to photograph it and I ain't going back.)

I've wanted to open you for many years, my friend.  For years.  I've struggled, I've abstained, I've kept my promise to serve and protect, no matter what the costs.  Others come and go, but it's always been you I've wanted to tear open and chew upon.  Skeletor has sufficed in the past, but there's more to life than Skeletor.  There's plenty of muscle bound skull-monsters in the sea.

I've had this stuffed away in my closet for years now.  I remember buying it at a comic shop selling new and used toys and there it was.  Hordak in his prime, sealed and signed.  The intent was to proudly display the treasure, either in a glass case or some sort of shrine with a single spotlight illuminating it's MOTU talent.  This did not happen.  So it has remained in bedroom-junk-pile-stasis until now.  Because it calls to me.  This very Tuesday afternoon, Hordak has called and I have answered.  Hi, Hordak!

A quick and simply observation reveals that the box is wonky and the edges are bent, but it's still preserved, it's still original.

BUT THE BOX IS WONKY AND THE EDGES ARE BENT.

It doesn't sit right with me.  I know the value has severely been decreased, but there's still hope, isn't there?  There's still a touch of vintage antiquity, right?  Please tell me there isn't cuz I'm gonna open this bitch.

I figure I might as well, ya know?  Just do it, just go for it.  YOLO, man.  YOLO to the cows come home.

There's nothing better than the crunch and smash of a newly opened action figure.  The sights and the sounds of this divine process invigorate even the coldest souls.  So much happy.  So much good.  So much fucking dust on this thing.

Hordak rules.  Hordak's Evil Horde is even rule-ier.  I'd argue that this was the greatest peak of monster-mania to ever rock the halls of a Toys R Us.  Bad guys with multiple legs, suction cups for heads and demons with bristly hair from head to toe.  And they all got together and did crazy shit and it was awesome.

Ah, what a beaut!  A fine example of smooth plastic and pro craftsmanship.  If you were to melt down a brick of gold and shape into a single, lone action figure...this would be that action figure.  It almost shines in the light.  I'll need a pair sunglasses to have playtime in Castle Greyskull.  I might even get a hat for the event, too.  I've always wanted to be a "hat guy."

He even comes with a cape!  It's not made of fabric, but it's blood red and that's good enough for me.  WELL worth the weak moment in YOLO-ing.

Hordak, of course, will need a welcoming party, so perhaps a nice dinner and a few board games with the neighbors will be in order.  I'd suggest charades, but it's a little too "in the spotlight" for someone who really doesn't know anybody yet.

Oh, and BYOB.  Beer is cool but the hard stuff won't be shunned.  Don't tell too many people about it 'cause it's supposed to be pretty low-key.  Got that?  Good.

See you there!