Tuesday, December 22, 2015


Remember GUTS?

They were the 1980s' answer to boring, little green army men. To me, these were the real deal. Brightly colored and bite sized. Thank you, Mattel.

Of course, all rightful comparisons will lead you to the ever popular line of GI Joe running rampant in the aisles of Toys R Us. Yeah, they were absolutely like GI Joes. One major difference, though, is that GUTS were completely immovable. Think tiny, colorful statues with nun-chucks and bazookas.

I'm sure kids were on the fence over the matter. It didn't matter to me. I loved these so much when I was a kid, and whatever they lacked in comparison to other toys at the time (height, mobility, the fact that they weren't He-Man) was made up tenfold with a certain je ne sais quoi. They had that spark. That beautiful mojo, man. There weren't many in the line and you couldn't really pose them or whatever but uhhh they came in a really kewl box and stuffffff

(Above image was stolen. Come at me, bro.)

These guys were extreme. They felt extreme. They were a complete mess of action-action-action.

There were dudes from the jungle with guns, there were ninjas with spears, there was an underwater battalion armed with harpoons and they were all trying to kill each other. I think each soldier had their own paragraph dedicated to name, origin and special murdering abilities, but I never bothered. They were all nameless pawns in an orgy of death.

There were six groups altogether. I had them all because I was really good at whining and being a brat. These are my favorites from the pack, ranked from most-fave to least-fave, entirely based on ineptitude during imaginary bloodsport, how awesome their outfits are and whatever else I feel like making up.

1. Jungle Warriors

Ah, yes, This is my ultimate standard in GUTS! lore.

The dark, swampy green clothing combined with guns, grenades and mohawks. They had the look down to a fabulous T. In any playtime war, I'd easily pick this team of mercenaries. I've always thought they looked the meanest, toughest and sweatiest. And that counts for a lot in battle, lemme tell you, sonny.

They had the least amount of clothing, but the most flair in pure terror tactics. Look at those boots! The bullet wrapped chests! Beards!

2. Camouflage Guys

I like the look. Kind of like a cross between mustard and pea soup. I like how they included a photographer. And, to be honest. I've always loved the second-from-the-left guy's menacing pose. Back steady, shoulders straight, a gun pointed right to the face. How tough is that?

Extra points for the helmets. I can't say I'm a hat guy, but I can really get down with any kind of helmet. Call it a quirk.

3. All American Green Berets

Admittedly, dumb. Really dumb. Especially with other options of scuba warriors and guys from space with laser guns. I can't explain the attraction. Maybe I'm just a classic guy into a classy look. Maybe I really like berets?

I remember playing with them the most, for whatever reason. They felt like an easy match. Like going for Luke Skywalker when there were Gamorreans and Royal Guards. I found comfort in the blandness. A certain easiness and simplicity. I feel like I'm really opening up here.  

Honorable Mention: The Ninjas

I liked these guys, but the lack of firepower turned me off. I've always felt that machine guns vs. throwing stars was a tough game to play on the battlefield, even if you were LIKE REALLY REALLY GOOD at being a ninja. I do like that spear, though. And I've been curious about that blue gun/knife thingy for twenty-five years. Like, what the fuck is it?

I do remember loving the option to have these fellas kick their way to glory, though, because this was the only acceptable group to do so. And if I were truly basing this contest on looks, these young guns would win in a heartbeat. Them outfits are on fleek.

I think that's it.

Go get some GUTS! for Christmas. Santa demands it.