Thursday, July 24, 2014

Ghoulies in my bathroom.

I love a great bathroom. With all the years I've spent traveling, I've come to appreciate a good toilet with a secure door that doesn't leave the participant in a world of fear. I hate what I've become, but I've learned to embrace my new outlook on life. In fact, I have a list of requirements:

I like it when there's toilet paper, of course. I like knowing there's soap available. It offers a glimmer of hope and makes the process a little less stressful. It's as if the crime as a whole can get however crazy it wants, as long as there's that light at the end of the tunnel. Oh, I also prefer paper towels over the blow-dry fan things (can double as second tier toilet paper paper when the occasion arises) and the more stalls the better. In fact, the bigger the better the bathroom the more vast and anonymous it can become. I like anonymity. AND IF THERE'S ON THING I hate the most it's when someone is right outside the door and are really, really impatient.

I don't know how to swing this back around to what I'm trying to say but um just get a "Ghoulies" movie poster and put it above your toilet i like bathrooms

"Ghoulies," for those unaware, is a 1980's horror film about a gang of troll-demon-turds that are summoned by the wicked ways of black magic. Some guy is in a house with his wife or something, and he goes into the basement, maybe reads a book and hey yeah there ya go. I can't remember how or why any of this took place, but I think it was because...why not? Wouldn't you read creepy, Latin passages from a dusty old book?

It's an awesome Halloween flick. You can't go wrong with this and it's many sequels. It's dumb fun and entirely enjoyable because of this. There's a whole lot of silliness and little monster dudes running around, which is entirely up to the viewer whether that's good or bad (of course it's good) but I can assure you that we, as a whole, HATE that the ghoulie featured in the movie poster is not in the film.

Not even a toilet is shown! We demand a ghoulie wearing red suspenders! We want it all and we want it now!

It doesn't really matter. Even if the movie is jumbled and confusing and red-suspender-ghoulie-less, this is THEE best decoration one can use to spice up that boring room you poop in, guaranteed.

This fits my mood. It fits the aesthetic. I am one with The Toilet and now I can show my appreciation by framing and hanging a picture of a little, green turd-monster jumping out of the can.

It excites! It invokes! It tickles! I stare deep into his eyes and he looks right on back.

Now my bathroom rules. In fact, I might invite friends over just to show them where I keep my toothbrush and zit cream and HEY LOOK AT THAT A GHOULIES POSTER DONT YOU THINK ITS COOL GUYS?!?!

Yeah, my bathroom rules.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

my bloody moosehead beer

so i saw this movie it was called "my bloody valentine" and it was okay it had a bunch of stuff like other stuff with kids being dumb and having parties and getting killed. i'd say it was on par with the classics like freddy and jason but this guy had a mining helmet and a gas mask so it's different i guess

the story is of a bunch of miners that were killed in a mining accident and someone related i think to one of the miners or a friend or something wants to exact revenge so he kills everyone involved like the bosses and the city is named Valentine bluffs too if that helps/.

i dunno you just gotta see it

but the best part was when all the kids were getting down and getting crazy and drinking beer and beer and more beer. this specific beer (which is somehow featured all throughout or maybe my eyes just have a tendency to see beer) looked really good, sounded good and probably tasted good

theres even an old guy who runs the bar or something and he tells them "be careful the guy will kill you!" because he's old and has experience with this tragedy and he's always serving moosehead and standing in front of moosehead signs which i stole from google search so hopefully i don't get sued for that.

theyre always drinking the stuff and i've never heard of it! i think this is a canada film with canada people so the stuff they have over there is pretty different so i guess that's why

weeeeell i found that beer HERE in the good old us of a and boy howdy was i ever pleased. i knew god was shining down on me that day when all i had to do was think of it and then it shows up at a liquor store i mean what the fuck is moosehead anyways? there is an allure and mystique but not like the xmen mystique this is another movie

who knows and who cares! IT"S BEEEER!!!!

they only sold it in a 12 packs but that's fine i can drink it like those party kids. it's a lager and its imported and it has a picture of a moose which i like. usually its horses or frogs or interesting men so this is a nice change of pace

well there she is looking just like it looked in the movie. i think it tastes good but i tend to like things people i see other people doing except like bungee jumping and reading books i saw a video on the internet and it scared me for life

you should try it like watch a movie and see a beer and then get that beer to drink. it's a really fun way to blow a weekend i drank a lot then i stood up and was like WHOAAA what happened so it's a pretty good way to get sick and blow a weekend

do it

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Carpet Displacement Theory.

There's a lot of things that bother me. I can't help it -- I just absolutely get annoyed by nearly everything. Well, not everything. In fact, if I were to whittle down the list of things that I worry about, it would fall under the category of inane and pointless. Because most everything I dream about, think about or concern myself over is pretty stupid. The dumber the better. I can't help it. It's like an OCD with ADD and a dash of OMG.

So, what's bothering me now?

Carpet wrinkles. Ugly carpet wrinkles.

OK, here's the thing: it's really not that big of a deal. I get to live under a roof with a toilet and a kitchen and I get to watch TV and strum a guitar and occasionally eat food. It's not a bad gig, really. Griping over a few inconsistencies in a cheap, poorly installed carpet is pathetic even for me.

But it's my blog so oh well suck it!

I've always wanted wood floors, to be perfectly honest. Creaky, classy wood floors. It would eliminate any carpet suffering! Destroy all sadness! Every time I turn around it seems like everyone's got wood flooring (fake or not) and the jealously overrides. Again, not that big of a deal but fuck that would be nice. Clickin' and clompin' all over creation. To dream!

What I'm currently involved in is a carpet with weird, bubbly pockets scattered throughout. I suppose they make decent ramps for Hotwheels, but don't help in keeping up with the Jones'. I know the Jones' have faux wooden floors. Those pretentious fucks.

Here's one of the main offenders. A camera literally does not do this justice because I very well know there's a wrinkle there but you clearly cannot see a wrinkle there. It's that black line. If you squint. And imagine with your heart.


Here's a closer, lower angle. You get the idea, it's jacked, it's there, I obsess. Take my word for it. All that aside, what am I gonna do about it? Why did I call you all here today?

WELL I've come up a theory. An idea. A blueprint. A fool-proof plan. I have a curiously odd proposal on how to amend this carpet treason.

I call it "Carpet Displacement Theory."

My hypothesis is that one area will and SHOULD give way to fate, invention and really heavy things. The plan is to leave hefty objects on said wrinkles in an attempt to flatten them out. The wait of these objects would displace the wrinkles and bubbles and allow me to sleep better at night. Hence, "CARPET DISPLACEMENT THEORY." So grab yourself a small TV, a toolbox or a stack of's time to get busy!

I like to use a laundry basket. It's inconspicuous, unobtrusive and if questioned, no one can fault you for doing your laundry. 

Now, to leave it overnight for twenty-four hours!

Again, pictures don't do it justice. But then again, it didn't do anything so whatever. My theory, sadly, is just a thoery. And in practice totally fucking sucks. In a way, it DOES kind of work, because the area, to the well trained eye, kind of looks flattened and corrected, but I'm guessing it's only because a certain area of carpet is smashed up so yea of course it looks different duh

Did we learn anything today? No. Not at all. You kind of caught a glimpse into my neurosis, which is kind of cool. Wait, is that even the definition of neurosis? What's neurosis? Oh, God, I'm having a panic attack.

yay see ya next time

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

49397793 bottle caps

I have so many bottle caps.

A lot of bottle caps. What do I do with these bottle caps? They're beer bottle caps and there's a whole hell of a lot of them. Mexican, American, German, cheap domestics and douchey microbrews. Why is there so many? "What in the world have you been up to?"you ask. Well, you condescending jerk, don't assume this is all from, say, a week of collection. What makes you think I could do that? Drink that many, I mean. Well, what makes you think I can't drink that much beer in a week? What an asshole! GET OUT OF MY FACE

Wait wait wait. The cold, hard slap of reality has just hit. You've done this to me, you've opened my eyes. Is this my Swan Song? Are all these beer bottle caps the treasure map to my death? what have i done?! what does my liver look? did I really drink all this beer I take it all back I'll go start drinking water and pomegranite stuff and i'll do that juicing thinging everyone's into!!!

WAIT WAIT NO. This is a collection from the last year. Yes, that last year. In fact, I remember clearly now: the first bottle cap opened and saved was FROM AN EXACT YEAR AGO no that's not really true. I have no idea. But it's been a year. About a year. Give or take.

What do I do with these? I don't want to make beer bottle cap frames with hot glue. I once saw that online. It looked good but kind of cheesy. What about tying them up like popcorn on a string? How long would something like that take? What would I even do with a massive string of bottle caps, anyhow? Hang laundry? Hang laundry specifically cleaned because of beer spills? Yay or nay?


I got it! I know what to do! I can start "The World's Largest Beer Bottle Cap Collection!" Maybe even open a museum! Well, I'd hate for people to be near me so forget that last part. Don't they have online musuems? I can charge a dollar NO WAIT FIVE DOLLARS. With that kind of money I can get more beer! Which brings in more bottle caps! I'vce done it! I'VE DONE IT I'VE SOLVED IT!

yay tuesday

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Quick and Crappy Coffee Review: Kona 13 Coffee & Tea

I went to Kona 13 Coffee & Tea and it's got coffee and it's good here are three things why it's good:

1. The name of the shop uses the word "Kona."

The word "Kona" is fresh, it's vast and it's exhilarating. It instantly brings to mind the sandy shores of Hawaii, luaus and pigs roasting over a fire. It's a great word, a solid word, the perfect word for use in any business. I'm not even really sure what "Kona" even means, but it's hooked me so there ya go.

2. The previous coffee shop before Kona 13 Coffee & Tea sucked, so by default, Kona 13 Coffee & Tea is already a winner.

Before Kona 13 Coffee & Tea came into existence, another coffee joint was in it's spot. It was a place called "Baristas" and it was the silliest little thing you ever done see. In a nutshell, it was a Hooters for coffee. Their idea was to have their female employees sell coffee in lingerie, giving you thrills and chills and all sorts of tinglies. If the regular, ordinary consumer of a fine cup of Joe is anything like me, they'd be too embarrassed to order anything in a joint like that so uhhh yeah. It's just too much pressure. Too much hype. Too many pervy vibes floating around at eight in the morning.

Which is all just a calculated guess as to what's going on inside -- I've never even set foot in the place. I've only driven past it a handful of times. Alright, I was in the bushes. With a telescope. Ten miles away.

They went kapoot so whatever.

3. I was tagged as a spy for competing coffee companies.

My skills in undercover photography have been weak at best. My skills in regular, every day photography suck ass, too. WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY is that I'm terrible at taking photos, especially when I'm supposed to look like I'm not taking photos. It's my ultimate Achilles Heel. It's awkward. It's frustrating. Because it's awkward and frustrating it never isn't awkward and frustrating. If that makes any sense. god this is so frustrating you're making me feel awkward

So I got caught taking photos. I got bold and snapped one of the inside area (it's more of a "stand" than a "shop") which was outrageously ballsy, even for me. It might have tipped the scales because yes I got caught red-handed. By the guy running the show. He asked, "So, what are the pictures for? Am I gonna see this online?"

I would have been totally fucked if he did it in a sinister way. It was more of a wink and a nudge type deal, which helped formulate any type of lie I was about to bust out, it allowed for more breathing room.


Which I guess worked. Probably didn't. I then decided to tell him that I recently purchased a new phone and was merely testing out the new phone's camera taking abilities. Like, duh! So obvious! The more unnecessary details the more convincing the lie!

If the lies and deceit didn't work, it's alright. I'm just hoping he'll somehow see this post down the line and it'll be even weirder somehow. "Why would he lie?" he'd wonder. "BECAUSE" I'd reply.

Oh, and the coffee's good.

I mean, c'mon. It's coffee.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014


He's here! He's here! He's really here!

He's green! He's mean! He's got a purple chest?


That is Altar Beast. A sewer-colored demon wolf with small parts, not for children under fourteen. The fine folks at were kind enough to hook me up with an Altar Beast figure at HorrorHound Weekend, which was great because I do like beasts and I do like candy-apple green colored beasts, too.

They must have known that I'm a big fan of the art toy revolution. There's a certain smell about my person. The seedy underbelly of producing, trading and colleting artsy molds of all sorts of weird shit, really cool. My pheromones are in overdrive just thinking about it! Whatever you want = you make. I like how it's so DIY and unique and colorful. And super fucking expensive but let's not go down that road and ruin the buzz ya know yeah

I'm no expert, but this one is good. Really good. Even the name is good. "Altar Beast." So tough. So beast! The way he stares, the way he struts, the way he's a LIME GREEN WEREWOLF.

I like this pose, too. They sculpted it just right. The "hands above the head" look works in many ways. He's either extreme in attack/scare mode or ready to body-slam the shit out of the entirety of Castle Greyskull. It looks like he moves at the waist but I can neither confirm nor deny this for I refuse to take it out of the package hahaha just kidding YOLO

I love it. My new favorite thing ever. Feels all smooth and slick. Looks even better out of it's cage. Looks highly chew-able, too. Probably tastes good, too. Looks like it belongs in my mouth, is what I'm trying to say.

The only thing that would make this better would be to give it the face of a bee so you can call it "Altar Bee-st." So it would be like a killer bee, but still hold elements of it's wolf-beast form. I dunno. I just really like puns.