Friday, October 31, 2014

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

The gang's all here.


Watch a gross movie, carve a rotten pumpkin, eat a razor-blade disguised as a Snickers, etc. Do what you gotta do -- it's only once a year we can all collectively run around in monster masks to stalk the streets and cause mischief. It always helps to steal little kids' candy and to trip old ladies for looking at you funny. Always gets me in the Halloween mood.

Have a good one, ya creepy weirdos.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Agent Dale Cooper in my bathroom.

I've been inspired by my recent bathroom Ghoulie-athon upgrade. My other bathroom, in comparison, is terribly bland and uninspiring. No knick-knacks line the cabinet, no decor to add spice, no juice to add flavor. Because when I poop, I wanna poop with a purpose.

We recently painted the walls in the bathroom a soft, blue-ish color, something that will hopefully sooth and massage your senses while committing natural crimes. I'm not sure if that's working because all I wanna do is cover the walls with junk and posters and fun stuff.

The blue, for whatever reason, gives off a cool vibe, something that feels like a stroll through the sweet pine trees of a northern Washington forest. A kind of "dead-skin blue," if you will. Something that feels...Twin Peaks.

I love Twin Peaks! I love coffee and pie! I love David Lynch! I love the idea of turning the tiny area of my place where I floss my teeth into a tribute/shrine/altar to the Twin Peaks Universe!

Now, in a perfect world, I'd hunt down rare and authentic pieces of decor actually used on the show, but no one got time for dat. Maybe a moose head, or a neon diner sign above the towel racks. Fortunately, I am willing to settle for cheap posters and the only cheap posters I could immediately find (not including fan-made artwork) topped off at three, so it made the ordeal a whole lot quicker and easier to swing. Surf the web, enter a few credit card numbers and we're in business. Two weeks later and my vision is coming to life.

And boy, this vision shore is nifty!


First, I had to get the movie poster for the film, "Fire Walk With Me." It's an obvious grab, but it does the job. To build a house, you must first build the foundation, my pappy used to say.

I'm more of a fan of the TV series, but this is a nice shot of Laura Palmer that isn't dead and wrapped up in plastic. That would be too easy, folks!

Please excuse the blurriness of the photo -- it was taken as quickly as possible. I felt weird being in a bathroom by myself with a camera.


Round two, featuring Agent Dale Cooper and...that other guy. Whatever his name is c'mon I forget I'm a big fan though don't judge me.

This one is good because it features two of the main characters (double-dose) as well as a whole row of doughnuts. Arguably, one would surmise that a plate of pie would be more accurate to the show, but I'll take what I can get.

I like this photo because of it's TV-ad appeal. It's wild that someone is selling an image used for an Entertainment Weekly magazine or TV guides of a bygone era, which I like. I like the little ABC logo on top, too. I like the kitsch. The hokey-ness. I JUST LIKE IT OKAY


And finally...

The cream! The icing! The great Sherilyn Fenn!

Sheriflyn Fenn, known as "Audrey" on the show, is one of the best characters on the show. Why? I believe she said some stuff, had a few good lines, maybe even contributed to plot points and general flow of the series. And because she's super hot duh.

I've never framed an 8 x 10 photo of anything before, especially not of an actual person. It's got an aura of creepiness, which, obviously, is very cool. It feels like we're friends, like we know each other!  Me and Sherilyn, together at last!

Now if I could only snag a signature! To dream!

Not only would I feel like we're one in the same, meant to be together, etc., I'd feel like I'd be showering in a popular comedy club or the local, New York deli.

"Best bathroom in all of Arizona...try the Reuben!"
Love,
Sherilyn

Thanks, babe!

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

5 Random Posters That I Really, Really Like.

I really like posters. I like the posters that I currently own. Some of these I'm about to show you have been hanging on my walls for longer than a high-schooler. They're influential, sentimental and just really pretty to look at. In no particular order, here are 5 Random Posters That I Really, Really Like and here's why I like them:

DANZIG


This used to belong to my big brother, Jimmy, way back in the day. It's been passed down so many years ago I'm unsure on the actual date, but I'm guessing it was during my formative teenage years when an older sibling had the power to influence my every musical decision ever. And I thank him for that, because Danzig is the absolute shit and yes this poster reveals that absolute shitness.

Danzig rules. Danzig has always ruled. The band is the perfect incarnation of The Doors, Elvis Presley and bluesy metal. It's everything I love rolled into one, so yes, I'm a fanboy and I can't stop gushing over this shirtless photo of Danzig and crew. The black, shadowy atmosphere and uncomfortable bible verse about lust really make for an excellent poster moms will surely love!

And just in case they're reading: John Christ, Eerie Von and Chuck Biscuits made that band. Without them, those first four, perfectly executed albums would not exist. So kudos to you, dudes.

The Misfits


What can I say? I love The Misfits. It ain't no mystery, baby.

YES JIMMY GAVE THIS TO ME TOO

So it's an original poster, whatever "original" even means. I'm really just trying to say that it's really fucking old. When did this poster exist? I do not know. I'm guessing it was during that early 90's era when The Misfits started gathering steam from having their t-shirts worn by famous rock stars, thus introducing "Collection 2" to the world, thus introducing all sorts of cool, new merch. My historical interpretation is shoddy at best, so this probably all made up by me and that shoddy memory of which no memories exist. All I know is that it's old and wrinkly and I have it framed and I love it.

This, along with the Danzig poster, were always hanging somewhere in my brother's room, which was eventually passed down to me, and which I shall pass down to the next in line (probably my firstborn son or, preferably, a clone of myself). This poster duo has served as a sort of shrine to rock and roll, to what I should adore and worship for the rest of my life. Well, I'm sure glad the music is awesome because yeah I'm a Danzig fanatic wheeeeee

"Army of Darkness"


This one's a bit of a cheat. And of course, once againit involves my older brother, Jimmy. It's safe to say that he shaped my weak, grossly uninformed mind for the better. If he wasn't schooling me on the infinite wisdom of Glenn Danzig and The Misfits, he was letting me in on the biggest secret of any young boy's life: disgusting, bloody horror movies. Specifically, Sam Raimi directed/Bruce Campbell featured horror movies.

I figure that this is a cheat because he once gave me an original "Army of Darkness" poster (the one with Ash in superb masculine form, with babe at foot) during his years working at a video rental store, which has since deteriorated and melted over the years (the poster and the video store) and which I've since lost and have replaced. We hung the original on every wall conceivable way too many times that it died in a papery, hole-y mess. In honor of that poster, and in honor of this being the fucking greatest film ever ("Evil Dead" and "Evil Dead 2" make the cut, too) I had to get a new one to display. To stare at. To gather strength, power and fury. This is that original poster even-though-it's-not-that-original-poster.

I love you, Sam and Bruce.

"The Empire Strikes Back"


Everyone needs a poster of "Star Wars" in their house. It's essential. Even if "Star Wars" has become some kind of sexy-cool, go-to staple to bang chicks at comic-con, it's still one of the raddest films to ever have been filmed.

I chose "Empire" because it has the best imagery, poster wise. And I guess film-wise, if you wanna get down to brass tacks. I dig them all, but there's something inherently cool about the deeply dramatic tone to the second part of this trilogy. And don't you dare fucking tell me this is actually part five blah blah fuck that

This poster is exceedingly large, too. So much purple. So much Wompa.

Freddy Krueger Looking Especially Terrifying


I have to include this because...why not? Freddy rules. Robert Englund rules. I'd be lying if I said that "Nightmare on Elm Street" was a series I actually gave a shit about, though. I think the love spawns from the idea that Freddy Krueger, with his chicken-skinned face and his demonic claws has, and still kinda does, absolutely scare the pants off of me. When I was young and this shit was in theaters, Freddy Krueger ruined my life. So many sleepless nights, so many nightmares of being chased and tortured by a dude in a striped sweater and dirty fedora. I was scared before I even saw the first film! All I saw were screenshots in magazines. All I heard was that dreadful sounding last name: krooogerrrrr. My keen ears hear something that sounds like a mash-up of crude, booger and rape. I can guarantee you that all three of those words are not fun and that is how they came up with "Krueger."

It was terrible. It haunted me. It ruined me. So, of course, I had to get a giant poster of that bastard's ugly face.

I believe I got it at a dusty, old comic book shop out here in Arizona. It's one of those places that specializes in everything, as long as you look hard enough.

Well, that's about it. Next up will be a list of my five favorite chairs, welcome mats (the list is about four welcome mats short) and ballpoint pens. But the colored ones. Like blue. And red.

Stay tuned!

Thursday, July 31, 2014

MOAM?

Last week I finally saw one of my all-time favorite bands, Man Or Astroman?

Yeah, this is gonna be weird because their name does include a question mark, so trust me when I say I'm not supposed to sound confused every other sentence?

OH GOD I DID IT AGAIN


Ah, Man or Astroman? Where do I even begin? The furthest memory I can drudge up is sitting in my brother's room back in Illinois, staring at this marvelous, colorful album cover. CD's were pretty cool back then, way more advanced than the current, dinky cassette tape, so I guess there was a lot of charm in this album art being so huge. Well, my older sister had a bunch of shitty new-wave records at the time, so, uh, those don't count because those suck.

I liked everything about it. Robots either mining for gold, building a base to destroy Earth or simply working out, who knew? All that mattered was what lie beyond the front page and into the meat of the matter...the music.

Oh, and really, the name "Man or Astroman?" is just so inherently weird and cool you couldn't fuck this one up if you tried.


The music is great duh

Surf-rock with an outer space flair. Throw in a bunch of sci-fi movie samples and you've got a pretty good idea but you don't because there's so much more to Man Or Astroman?

They're better than all other surf bands. They've exceeded by somehow turning a pretty laid back, goofy genre into really kick-ass shit. Not trying to hate on the classics, jus' sayin' is all. Jus' sayin', bro.

I'm gushing, aren't I?

"Destroy all Astromen," specifically, is my favorite album. Actually, I like a few other albums more but this one was my first taste -- it's hard to forget the soft caress of your first lover's touch. This is the album that would hook me for, oh, twenty years, and would help me form my own playing style as a guitarist. I owe a lot to these stinkin' goofs.

They stopped playing years ago, so I pretty much threw in the towel when it came to ever seeing them live. I've accepted my forever bummed-out-ness. Once Youtube rolled on in, I finally had access to see what they even looked like. It only pissed me off more. And fascinated me. So many grainy clips from so many grainy shows. Who were these guys? The mystery remains and shall always remain I've missed my chance fuck!

So imagine my surprise when I found out that Man or Astroman? was once again playing shows and was coming to Phoenix, AZ, my back-fucking-yard. The joy! The excitement! I said to imagine my surprise, did you imagine it? There's a lot of it!


Everything was perfect and in harmony at the show. The Crescent Ballroom is quite posh for a venue, and since their house beer is "Luchador Lager" I've committed to the idea that I will one day move in and live under the stage. Plus, most of Man Or Astroman's? fans are so specifically Man Or Astroman? fans, so it was just a bunch of nerds in glasses and old dudes. It was pleasant.

I'll spare you the details (code: I'm lazy) but the show was killer. Sadly, a few original members have been replaced for the night's festivities (where the fuck were you, Coco?!) but all was negated once the guitars were humming and the drums were pounding. I dunno, man, it was pretty kewl.

Speaking of the drums, Birdstuff, who was very nice in hearing our excited claims of eternal fandom, was unstoppable. He played quick, fast and sparse. Small drum-kit but BIG sounds, it was incredible. He even broke a tom and instead of just, ya know, not using it, he took it off his kit and wore it over his head. Are you not entertained?

And then the show ended and he did this really crazy thing and stuff. 


COOOOOOOL

It's art! From outer space! They called it a night by stacking every instrument into a pile of throbbing, bizarre noise. I can only imagine the clean up, which makes it all the more impressive.

100% satisfied. Thanks, MOAM?

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Ghoulies in my bathroom.

I love a great bathroom. With all the years I've spent traveling, I've come to appreciate a good toilet with a secure door that doesn't leave the participant in a world of fear. I hate what I've become, but I've learned to embrace my new outlook on life. In fact, I have a list of requirements:

I like it when there's toilet paper, of course. I like knowing there's soap available. It offers a glimmer of hope and makes the process a little less stressful. It's as if the crime as a whole can get however crazy it wants, as long as there's that light at the end of the tunnel. Oh, I also prefer paper towels over the blow-dry fan things (can double as second tier toilet paper paper when the occasion arises) and the more stalls the better. In fact, the bigger the better the bathroom the more vast and anonymous it can become. I like anonymity. AND IF THERE'S ON THING I hate the most it's when someone is right outside the door and are really, really impatient.

I don't know how to swing this back around to what I'm trying to say but um just get a "Ghoulies" movie poster and put it above your toilet i like bathrooms


"Ghoulies," for those unaware, is a 1980's horror film about a gang of troll-demon-turds that are summoned by the wicked ways of black magic. Some guy is in a house with his wife or something, and he goes into the basement, maybe reads a book and hey yeah there ya go. I can't remember how or why any of this took place, but I think it was because...why not? Wouldn't you read creepy, Latin passages from a dusty old book?

It's an awesome Halloween flick. You can't go wrong with this and it's many sequels. It's dumb fun and entirely enjoyable because of this. There's a whole lot of silliness and little monster dudes running around, which is entirely up to the viewer whether that's good or bad (of course it's good) but I can assure you that we, as a whole, HATE that the ghoulie featured in the movie poster is not in the film.

Not even a toilet is shown! We demand a ghoulie wearing red suspenders! We want it all and we want it now!

It doesn't really matter. Even if the movie is jumbled and confusing and red-suspender-ghoulie-less, this is THEE best decoration one can use to spice up that boring room you poop in, guaranteed.

This fits my mood. It fits the aesthetic. I am one with The Toilet and now I can show my appreciation by framing and hanging a picture of a little, green turd-monster jumping out of the can.


It excites! It invokes! It tickles! I stare deep into his eyes and he looks right on back.

Now my bathroom rules. In fact, I might invite friends over just to show them where I keep my toothbrush and zit cream and HEY LOOK AT THAT A GHOULIES POSTER DONT YOU THINK ITS COOL GUYS?!?!

Yeah, my bathroom rules.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

my bloody moosehead beer

so i saw this movie it was called "my bloody valentine" and it was okay it had a bunch of stuff like other stuff with kids being dumb and having parties and getting killed. i'd say it was on par with the classics like freddy and jason but this guy had a mining helmet and a gas mask so it's different i guess

the story is of a bunch of miners that were killed in a mining accident and someone related i think to one of the miners or a friend or something wants to exact revenge so he kills everyone involved like the bosses and the city is named Valentine bluffs too if that helps/.

i dunno you just gotta see it

but the best part was when all the kids were getting down and getting crazy and drinking beer and beer and more beer. this specific beer (which is somehow featured all throughout or maybe my eyes just have a tendency to see beer) looked really good, sounded good and probably tasted good


theres even an old guy who runs the bar or something and he tells them "be careful the guy will kill you!" because he's old and has experience with this tragedy and he's always serving moosehead and standing in front of moosehead signs which i stole from google search so hopefully i don't get sued for that.

theyre always drinking the stuff and i've never heard of it! i think this is a canada film with canada people so the stuff they have over there is pretty different so i guess that's why

weeeeell i found that beer HERE in the good old us of a and boy howdy was i ever pleased. i knew god was shining down on me that day when all i had to do was think of it and then it shows up at a liquor store i mean what the fuck is moosehead anyways? there is an allure and mystique but not like the xmen mystique this is another movie



who knows and who cares! IT"S BEEEER!!!!

they only sold it in a 12 packs but that's fine i can drink it like those party kids. it's a lager and its imported and it has a picture of a moose which i like. usually its horses or frogs or interesting men so this is a nice change of pace


well there she is looking just like it looked in the movie. i think it tastes good but i tend to like things people i see other people doing except like bungee jumping and reading books i saw a video on the internet and it scared me for life


you should try it like watch a movie and see a beer and then get that beer to drink. it's a really fun way to blow a weekend i drank a lot then i stood up and was like WHOAAA what happened so it's a pretty good way to get sick and blow a weekend

do it