Tuesday, August 11, 2015

This thing is weird and I like it.

My luck is strong. My luck is unique. I believe that everything I've worked towards has led me up to this day in time. Everything I've strived for has subconsciously guided me to this beautiful entity, this shrine to human awe and wonder, this terrifying thing:

Picked this little fucker up in Dallas, TX at a super-mega-toy-store. One of those stores that sells everything that was once covered in kid boogers and drool or certainly will be in the near future. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw it lying there, pink and grinning. Between the Star Wars junk and the mess of forty-thousand loose MOTU figures was this thing just waiting for me. JUST BEGGING.

Four dollars later, I'm now the proud papa of a flesh colored, dildo with a face.

Turns out it's an alien from "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." I vaguely remember a shitty bored game based off the film, but if you're anything like me, not only are you shocked that this even exists, but that they even bothered to base toys geared for children on a movie that showed little more than Richard Dreyfuss playing with mashed potatoes and a few freaky fucking aliens for a split second near the end. Which, now that I've talked myself through it, makes total and appropriate sense. 

Do they have a Richard Dreyfuss bendy, too? EBAY EBAY EBAY

And it bends! Did I mention it bends? Dear God, it bends. Completely ageless and timeless, this is the bendy toy of the most nightmarish space creep to ever grace cinema. Let me explain:

YES. You can argue the idea that there are, technically, scarier and more grotesque looking aliens in film. But what this provides is an even more delicate terror than, say, the forever-perspiring alien from "Alien."

This guy doesn't wear clothes. He has zero body hair. The limbs are longer than normal and it's head is the size of a watermelon, which sits on a thin and smooth neck. And behind it all lies a pair of HUMAN EYES. Even in toy form, they gave him doll eyes that, when prompted, twinkle in the sunlight.

He's even more fucked up looking in the bag. I guarantee you this is the ugliest sumbitch alien you've ever done see. And, coincendetally, the funniest fucking thing, too. Seriously, does this not make you giggle? Like, every time you look at it?

It's an unnecessary question, but it begs to be asked:

What does it all mean? How can this thing be so awful and amusing at the same time? (well, it does look like a dick, I mean, c'mon)

Where does life begin and end? Is this one of those ying and yang thing? Why does this toy alien make me...feel this way?