Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I'm a Dollar Store Whore -- Halloween Edition!

I love the dollar store. Between the knock-off cleaning products to the ripped up Nascar posters, there's always something for everyone. It's pretty much like gambling, where you never know what you're gonna get, and whatever you do get, you still kinda go home a loser. Except if you win, like, a ton of money on slots. Or something. Fuck this analogy sucks let's move on and let's go now.

I'm always on the lookout for weird, silly and fun shit. When it's Halloween time, it's usually open season for some seriously neat stuff. Brains in a jar? You'll find it. Plastic skulls and neon-green cobwebs? It exists everywhere, from Walgreen's to the gas station down the street. I can't imagine it ever being as awesome as some 80's movies tell me otherwise, but it is still damn charming to see a Target go mildly apeshit over a holiday for candy obsessed kids and really creepy guys in rock and roll bands. It's gametime, people, and I don't care who knows it. It's most definitely gametime at dollar stores, where a product's cheapness has absolutely no limits and a Halloween mask is nothing more than a glob of colored plastic sorta shaped like a monster face.

What I'm about to show you isn't shocking, nor is it all that interesting. I just really needed an excuse to go shopping in a place where I can run through the aisles yelling, "I can own all of youuuu!"

What we have here is the winning piece to the mighty haul. Thought we'd start with the best. Which kinda gives me an out if I get bored and scrap this entire post. At least I'll have the cool things covered. About four inches of some mysterious rock/ceramic material stands an army of pretty cool monster heads.

You're looking at a mighty Medusa (middle) a winner on all accounts for having serpents dangling from her dome, so I had to snag it. Obviously, Dracula is a clear fan favorite (it was there, and yeah, not shown cuz I didn'ts gets it) but I'm all for the Misfits styled skele-face-guy. So much that I had to get two. For a buck, it's pretty cool to have your desk adorned with something resembling an artifact straight outta Danzig's basement, so there's really no need for an explanation. Team Skele-Dude, all the way. Another cool thing is that these could easily be painted to your liking, assuming you're into that thing. Me? Naw, not really. The idea is impressive, tho. Goddamn awesome that I thought of it. Team Me all the way!

Skulls are a pretty generic staple when it comes to Halloween garbagey junk, but I'm always into it when one strolls my way looking like someone threw up on it.

I really like the eyeball dropping out of the socket, it's kinda what makes me me.

These "Beware of Zombies!" and "Enter at Your Own Risk" signs are fantastic. I feel like a random, strong gust of wind will snap them into pieces, but I can't complain with such fun graphics.

I like the creature hands on Sign #2, because I like anything that's associated with a giant, drooling fish-man. Not saying I'm gay for the Creature of the Black Lagoon, more that I'm bi-curious about his slimy body and gelatinous looking features. Which brings us to the end...

It wasn't in the Halloween section, but I had to grab this:

Can you say no to a snake that will grow up to 400% it's size? If I did the math right, that's as big as a minivan. My God, it better be as big as a minivan. I better make some space in the living room! I think it could go great next to the couch. People could prop their feet on it or I could tell them that it's my stuffed anaconda. Could be cool.

And so concludes our journey. Hey, I didn't promise a novel. Nor did I promise a complete documentation of all that I got (hey, maybe I'll save it for another blog) But do yourself a favor and go out and enjoy cheap yet frivolous spending. Hit up those local dollar joints and go wild. It's what I would do. It's what I did.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Kiss me, I'm shitfaced...Halloween style!

With pumpkin beer!

Pumpkin beer has always sounded pretty brutal. Two things that could equate to something delicious, but always sinister in theory. Just imagine eating a beer flavored pumpkin pie. Got it? Got it. Checkmate, bitch!

What we've got here is Kennebunkport Pumpkin Ale, a solid helping hand in getting shitfaced for Samhain. I'm no expert on this particular brand, though, just that the hue of the beer is absolutely not orange. It really should be a bright, annoying orange, ya know? Besides that, I'm ready to taste my first ever pumpkin beer. Will I die? Will I fall in love?

Anyway, turns out to be a pretty a-okay. I'm not even gonna pretend to describe the taste, hops and other nutty, brewy boozey adjectives it holds, so let's just say it tastes like Halloween. Does that mean I'm saying it tastes like burning leaves and Kit Kats? Yeah, I am. You're damn right I am.


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Writing a rock and roll song in under a minute.

You just gotta buy booze!

Okay, it's a little more complicated than that. Well, not really. Let me explain:

So I was shopping for delicious, warm sake in the aisles of a liquor store, when I found this gem of a sign:


If that doesn't get you pumped up, you're unpumpable. And you should change that. And then write a song about it. Simple power chords, snarling vocals, lots of back-ups, repeat the phrase over in a chorus and you're done.

Also, I found a Gummi bear the size of a dog. Fuck yes!

Blood of the Wolf!

New season comes a new t-shirt! This ain't set in stone just yet, but be on the lookout for it in October, just in time for Halloween. Get pumped!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Pure Rock Mania!

Davey in flight, Bobby in a rock and roll fight! This is just a small taste of things to come from Calabrese and Andy Hartmark. Get stoked!
CALABRESE - Believe in Rock and Roll!

CALABRESE - Believe in Rock and Roll!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

I like Anthony Bourdain.

Anthony Bourdain. Star of the Travel Channel’s ”No Reservations,” celebrity among food freaks and currently the prince of my life — the chain-smoking wayfarer atop the shimmering, white stallion of cable TV!

The main idea behind the show is that our good and friendly pal, Tony, travels the world, partakes in every styling of cultural fun-times, eats zany foods and drinks enough booze to kill…well, a human being. Around his weight , age and height. Keepin’ it real, baby!

But really, the premise is boring. Aren’t there a million other shows like this? Andrew “I eat animals’ balls and scrotums” Zimmern is fun, but it just doesn’t do it for me. Giada is cool, and there's nothing better than watching a hot lady handle a pair of italian meatballs (immature humor? I blame it on first blog jitters) but I swear, her arms seem way too short and her head too big. Not only does that sound ludicrous, but she doesn't even fit into the "travelling the world shows" criteria for this paragraph's main point. I just really wanted the world to know I think her arms are like T-rex limbs.

Anthony Bourdain smokes. He drinks, he parties and then is given a hefty amount of cash because of it. I can do that. But honestly, he does it better. He does it cooler. And I find his nonchalent, sarcastic ways pretty appealing. Also, as a sidenote, I would say that that’s it right there. RIGHT FUCKING THERE, the perfect job. I’m not saying I wanna travel across the world indulging in every vice imaginable, but…wait, no. That’s exactly what I’m saying. I want that and I want that now. But Uncle Tony’s doing it and he's doing it well and Goddamn you, Tony. I salute you.

There’s just something about the guy that’s insanely watchable, loveable and fun. Like a bunch of clowns pushing and shoving themselves out of a teeny, tiny clown’s mouth. Oh, you never saw that circus? Fucking left out, dude. But I really wanna roam the streets of Japan with the guy. He'd take me through backalleys and weird sushi bars and get me drunk and make me gamble on Japanese baseball. I'd make him buy me some toy robots or the date would be over, I swear.

He always seems to have a rad attitude, good sense of humor and a cool outlook on life. Which, in a way, is just indulging in the fun bullshit of life. Plus, he’s into punk rock! Come the fuck on. Who else on cable TV is a sophisticated, heavy boozing, world travelling punk rocker? If Emeril Lagasse listened to The Dead Boys and The Jam I might give the ol’ chum a try.

Naw, fuck it. Dude’s a douche.

So with that, watch the show, drink some coffee and kick some ass. Not the best first blog, not the worst, but at least it's legit. Done!