Sunday, September 20, 2009

I like Anthony Bourdain.

Anthony Bourdain. Star of the Travel Channel’s ”No Reservations,” celebrity among food freaks and currently the prince of my life — the chain-smoking wayfarer atop the shimmering, white stallion of cable TV!

The main idea behind the show is that our good and friendly pal, Tony, travels the world, partakes in every styling of cultural fun-times, eats zany foods and drinks enough booze to kill…well, a human being. Around his weight , age and height. Keepin’ it real, baby!

But really, the premise is boring. Aren’t there a million other shows like this? Andrew “I eat animals’ balls and scrotums” Zimmern is fun, but it just doesn’t do it for me. Giada is cool, and there's nothing better than watching a hot lady handle a pair of italian meatballs (immature humor? I blame it on first blog jitters) but I swear, her arms seem way too short and her head too big. Not only does that sound ludicrous, but she doesn't even fit into the "travelling the world shows" criteria for this paragraph's main point. I just really wanted the world to know I think her arms are like T-rex limbs.

Anthony Bourdain smokes. He drinks, he parties and then is given a hefty amount of cash because of it. I can do that. But honestly, he does it better. He does it cooler. And I find his nonchalent, sarcastic ways pretty appealing. Also, as a sidenote, I would say that that’s it right there. RIGHT FUCKING THERE, the perfect job. I’m not saying I wanna travel across the world indulging in every vice imaginable, but…wait, no. That’s exactly what I’m saying. I want that and I want that now. But Uncle Tony’s doing it and he's doing it well and Goddamn you, Tony. I salute you.

There’s just something about the guy that’s insanely watchable, loveable and fun. Like a bunch of clowns pushing and shoving themselves out of a teeny, tiny clown’s mouth. Oh, you never saw that circus? Fucking left out, dude. But I really wanna roam the streets of Japan with the guy. He'd take me through backalleys and weird sushi bars and get me drunk and make me gamble on Japanese baseball. I'd make him buy me some toy robots or the date would be over, I swear.

He always seems to have a rad attitude, good sense of humor and a cool outlook on life. Which, in a way, is just indulging in the fun bullshit of life. Plus, he’s into punk rock! Come the fuck on. Who else on cable TV is a sophisticated, heavy boozing, world travelling punk rocker? If Emeril Lagasse listened to The Dead Boys and The Jam I might give the ol’ chum a try.

Naw, fuck it. Dude’s a douche.

So with that, watch the show, drink some coffee and kick some ass. Not the best first blog, not the worst, but at least it's legit. Done!

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