Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving, 2011! Don't worry, this is still Star Wars related.

I'm hesitant to say that there's not a whole lot to report today, which is fine for me, and fine for...well, me. In fact, I may be outta the Blogging Game for at least a solid month. The reason? What may look like laziness is actually a secret attempt to create a unique batch of quick and exciting Calabrese webisodes, all which will be presented on December 1st, ending on December 25th, Christ-fucking-mas.

What am I hinting at? Well, for starters (and obviously) it will be Christmas themed. There is no secret or cover-up of any kind to shy away the public's attention towards my love for the holiday. In the past, I've even dared to say it's better than Halloween, and if perking up and giggling over just saying the word "Christmas" is any indication, I do not take back what I said. At all.

The wide cast of Christmas characters (Santa, Rudolph, Bumble) the terrible songs, the presents. It's all just so perfectly tuned in to what makes me who I am -- a greedy kid who likes a fat man to bring me toys once a year.

Also, the fabulous return of Richard Sucker!

I don't wanna get too detailed about the whole thing, but yeah, he's there. The weirdest vampire we know, all lined up to help us out on what may be our biggest and best webisode adventure yet. And by "biggest and best," I mean "short and satisfactory." I'm already not wanting to do it 'cause it's Thanksgiving and during Thanksgiving I don't like to do anything. Blame Thanksgiving.

So. I'm busy and not-busy. Lots of talking and being weird in front of a camera there, but not a whole lot of typing up words about things I like for an afternoon here. I think we'll all survive.

With that out of the way, I recently had a birthday over the weekend. We played a show in Las Vegas, which is both an example in perfect timing and damning frustration. You will not believe how bad I wanted to rage it up. But, we gambled a bit, ate at a buffet and didn't actually start playing until 1:30 in the morning, so I was so over Las Vegas I didn't care about pouring booze down my throat anymore. It wasn't my first priority. That, of course, was given to a mysterious bag with LEGO Darth Vader plastered on the front. Happy birthday to me, bitches.

I love Mysterious Bags. The cover art might have been a dead giveaway, but I was too caught up in what was inside the damn thing. It was bulky, medium in hardness and made the sound loose change would make if loose change was made of soft plastic.

A bag stuffed with original Star Wars figures!

"Fkhkdhvighds" is the only suitable word to describe this sight. I think it's Cantonese.

I've mentioned it before, but I love me a big pile of Star Wars toys. I purposely keep an unorganized, messy heap of 'em on my bookshelf just so I can see it the way it must be presented -- large and chaotic. For some reason, it puts me in a certain mood. Relaxed, calm and serene. Limbs shooting this way, cloaks and capes shooting that way. The colors and smell are all so intoxicating, it's by far my favorite mountain of George Lucas mind-babies ever.

I just admitted to smelling my toys. I accept this.

Oh! And hidden among the madness was a few Micro Machines, or something pretty similar to Micro Machines. I was never that big of a fan, but then again, I've never been a fan of automobiles and anything else that have something called an "engine" in it. You can add football and lifting weights to that list, too.

Overall, a great birthday, and soon to be an even better Thanksgiving. I've already got enough food lined up to corrupt at least three vital organs, and as soon as I wake up from my coma, we will hit "record" and sail off into the webisode sunset on December 1st. Stay tuned, dudes.

And Happy Thanksgiving!

Friday, November 11, 2011

Tales of the Monkey-Wolf, a Halloween Adventure!

Well, here I am. Eleven days after Halloween, blogging about Halloween.

Don't lie, you know you love it.

Anyway, today, I'm letting you in on a little secret. You see, I now own a creature that's neither monkey nor wolf, but a delicate hybrid of the two. Yes, the rumors and accusations are true -- I'm the proud papa of a glowing demon-dog!

Now, let all of what I just said sink in.

Now, back story:

I usually buy a lot of stuff in preparation for October 31st, but what I'm about to unveil is the clear favorite of the pre-season/post-season lot. It's one of the better things I snagged on Halloween day, in a rush to pick up last minute decorations I won't take down until March. I feel like I didn't overindulge like I wanted to, so I went out and...well, overindulged. I bought extra candy I won't eat, more cobwebs I'll never open and 800 pumpkin pails for our Halloween show extravaganza. We filled these buckets with all sorts of candy, threw them out into the crowd and punted them into people's faces. Yep.

You see, both Davey and Jimmy were behind the unintentional, pumpkin pail violence, both events happening exactly in line with each other -- one was batted by a bass guitar and quickly and I mean quickly right after, the other was a makeshift soccer ball and the crowd was the goal. It was as if the whole world had stopped and all that was left was two, brightly orange bombs blasting through time and space to reach their ultimate and final destination. Which, ya know, was a little kid's head.

If I had any good left in my soul I would dare not say that it was the funniest damn thing I've ever seen.

But that's neither here nor there.

Because I got myself a "Lighted Werewolf," and all is glorious:

"Lighted Werewolf" is exactly as it says. A luminescent lycanthrope you can stake into the ground to either scare or bewilder all passerby. Ten dollars for this monstrosity ain't too bad -- add into the idea that you will soon own the weirdest looking werewolf holding a bloody heart and it's a friggin' steal.

I don't have a front yard to actually use this, but I love these things. I like the simplicity of it -- the idea of zombies or witches or a werewolf crawling out of your garden is wholly welcome and actively applauded. It's never a bad thing to get the morning paper, give a quick wave to your neighbor and dangerously trip over a pile of silver fuzz and plastic. It'll make gardening more of an adventure, and taking out the trash is coveted instead of despised when you have the chance to say hello to Marty the Mutant Mutt.

When I first saw this, I couldn't believe my eyes. I mean, we've already established that the thing as a whole is just plain weird looking -- it was now down to how weird it actually was.

Oh, it's weird alright.

If that image above doesn't speak to you on a personal level, you're not my friend.

Guardian of the Record Player, arise!

Out of the box, it looks even more impressive. Like a super-baboon baboon. More baboon than baboon, if you will. Because it looks exactly like a baboon to me. And that's quite the feat, considering this is supposed to be a wolf. Or a werewolf, or whatever, I dunno. I LIKE THIS AS A BABOON BETTER.

The fur is a dingier, grosser looking grey and my God, the heart actually beats! True, it's creative use of the classic "flickering light" effect at it's peak (no photo available, sorry) but there's nothing wrong wit dat.

All I expected was a fugly mutant, and now I have a fugly mutant who blinks a whole lot.

It's a true favorite in my household, and is still burning bright to this day. I'll add a red cap and a beard next month and I can squeeze even more time out of him. Because time is precious with this beauty. I've accepted my fate as keeper of the beast, and keep the beast I shall.


A "Big Bag of Bugs." I got a big bag of bugs, too:

In one's life, everyone deserves a chance at owning a big bag of bugs. You say you don't like bugs? Well, fuck you. You're getting a big bag of 'em.

They were intended to be thrown out at our Halloween show, but I didn't have the heart to get rid of them so easily. One minute they'd be in my hands, and the next minute they'd be thrown haphazardly into the darkness of a rock and roll show. I liked the idea that, mixed with all the candy we were dumping on people, a few of those nasty looking spiders and long worm things would end up in people's hair well past the show, and offer up a post-Halloween show trick, courtesy of Calabrese. However, I liked the idea of keeping them on my kitchen counter top even more.

It was a Halloween trick double cross!


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Me like the Goat-Man.

Me like monster heads. Me like wear rubbery constriction over nose and mouth. Me think is fun!

Me went to Bubbles of Joy, a Halloween goofy shop catering to goofs like me. It's no Spirit, but that's a good thing, because me think Spirit sucks. Way too many dumb clown things and evil babies. Me want something raw and powerful and furry.

Me found monster mask to end all monster masks. It be really spine-chilling and unnerving, and makes you question your belief in God. It's the greatest Halloween disguise in the world!

There be no love like the love I have for the Goat-Man:

Even me be scared! It's a shocking sight of teeth and horns and wet stuff covering outer layer of nose. Like Goat-Man sneezed and didn't wipe. Me understand that Goat-Man is busy, but hygiene and cleanliness is very important around my place. Number Three Rules in Me Apartment: wash hands after pooping, cover the mouth when you do the coughing and sanitize your entire body after eating at Subway. Me think Subway smells annoying.

Some might say the mask be overkill, but me say it's perfect Halloween trick to haunt little kids' brains while they sleep. I want to hurt people mentally and linger in their minds well past the season of the Halloween. Me just watched a lot of the Freddy Krueger movies, so me very excited by all this idea.

Time to put it on my head and become a part of the beast! Let the animal inside of me go wild and do the things that are crazy! Me be one with the Goat-Man!

Good to go! Halloween, here I come!

Me almost got nervous for beer -- it almost didn't make it into my mouth hole. Being super smart I found a way to doctor problem, as well as a way to spill half of bottle down my shirt. Goat-Man was not made for partying, only frightening the young and easily alarmed.

Me even got hairy gloves to seal the deal, but most people think they're me regular hands.

Me sweaty and hot and uncomfortable, but me have the face of Satan and things couldn't be better. Halloween do not suck this year! Halloween cool!

Yay Halloween that happened two days ago!