Friday, November 11, 2011

Tales of the Monkey-Wolf, a Halloween Adventure!

Well, here I am. Eleven days after Halloween, blogging about Halloween.

Don't lie, you know you love it.

Anyway, today, I'm letting you in on a little secret. You see, I now own a creature that's neither monkey nor wolf, but a delicate hybrid of the two. Yes, the rumors and accusations are true -- I'm the proud papa of a glowing demon-dog!

Now, let all of what I just said sink in.

Now, back story:

I usually buy a lot of stuff in preparation for October 31st, but what I'm about to unveil is the clear favorite of the pre-season/post-season lot. It's one of the better things I snagged on Halloween day, in a rush to pick up last minute decorations I won't take down until March. I feel like I didn't overindulge like I wanted to, so I went out and...well, overindulged. I bought extra candy I won't eat, more cobwebs I'll never open and 800 pumpkin pails for our Halloween show extravaganza. We filled these buckets with all sorts of candy, threw them out into the crowd and punted them into people's faces. Yep.

You see, both Davey and Jimmy were behind the unintentional, pumpkin pail violence, both events happening exactly in line with each other -- one was batted by a bass guitar and quickly and I mean quickly right after, the other was a makeshift soccer ball and the crowd was the goal. It was as if the whole world had stopped and all that was left was two, brightly orange bombs blasting through time and space to reach their ultimate and final destination. Which, ya know, was a little kid's head.

If I had any good left in my soul I would dare not say that it was the funniest damn thing I've ever seen.

But that's neither here nor there.

Because I got myself a "Lighted Werewolf," and all is glorious:

"Lighted Werewolf" is exactly as it says. A luminescent lycanthrope you can stake into the ground to either scare or bewilder all passerby. Ten dollars for this monstrosity ain't too bad -- add into the idea that you will soon own the weirdest looking werewolf holding a bloody heart and it's a friggin' steal.

I don't have a front yard to actually use this, but I love these things. I like the simplicity of it -- the idea of zombies or witches or a werewolf crawling out of your garden is wholly welcome and actively applauded. It's never a bad thing to get the morning paper, give a quick wave to your neighbor and dangerously trip over a pile of silver fuzz and plastic. It'll make gardening more of an adventure, and taking out the trash is coveted instead of despised when you have the chance to say hello to Marty the Mutant Mutt.

When I first saw this, I couldn't believe my eyes. I mean, we've already established that the thing as a whole is just plain weird looking -- it was now down to how weird it actually was.

Oh, it's weird alright.

If that image above doesn't speak to you on a personal level, you're not my friend.

Guardian of the Record Player, arise!

Out of the box, it looks even more impressive. Like a super-baboon baboon. More baboon than baboon, if you will. Because it looks exactly like a baboon to me. And that's quite the feat, considering this is supposed to be a wolf. Or a werewolf, or whatever, I dunno. I LIKE THIS AS A BABOON BETTER.

The fur is a dingier, grosser looking grey and my God, the heart actually beats! True, it's creative use of the classic "flickering light" effect at it's peak (no photo available, sorry) but there's nothing wrong wit dat.

All I expected was a fugly mutant, and now I have a fugly mutant who blinks a whole lot.

It's a true favorite in my household, and is still burning bright to this day. I'll add a red cap and a beard next month and I can squeeze even more time out of him. Because time is precious with this beauty. I've accepted my fate as keeper of the beast, and keep the beast I shall.


A "Big Bag of Bugs." I got a big bag of bugs, too:

In one's life, everyone deserves a chance at owning a big bag of bugs. You say you don't like bugs? Well, fuck you. You're getting a big bag of 'em.

They were intended to be thrown out at our Halloween show, but I didn't have the heart to get rid of them so easily. One minute they'd be in my hands, and the next minute they'd be thrown haphazardly into the darkness of a rock and roll show. I liked the idea that, mixed with all the candy we were dumping on people, a few of those nasty looking spiders and long worm things would end up in people's hair well past the show, and offer up a post-Halloween show trick, courtesy of Calabrese. However, I liked the idea of keeping them on my kitchen counter top even more.

It was a Halloween trick double cross!



  1. Man, I love Halloween crap too! The weirder, the better! But dude, you keep collecting all this crap, you're gonna become a Halloween hoarder and your family will have to have a Halloween intervention and they'll force you to have a Halloween garage sale! I'll be there...just let me know.

  2. Weird, glowing were-baboon lawn ornaments? HELL YEAH!!! I dig it!

  3. DeAnn, is it bad that I watch those hoarding shows and feel a hint of jealousy? Ha!

  4. Hi,

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