This thing is weird and I like it.

My luck is strong. My luck is unique. I believe that everything I've worked towards has led me up to this day in time. Everything I've strived for has subconsciously guided me to this beautiful entity, this shrine to human awe and wonder, this terrifying thing:

Picked this little fucker up in Dallas, TX at a super-mega-toy-store. One of those stores that sells everything that was once covered in kid boogers and drool or certainly will be in the near future. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw it lying there, pink and grinning. Between the Star Wars junk and the mess of forty-thousand loose MOTU figures was this thing just waiting for me. JUST BEGGING.

Four dollars later, I'm now the proud papa of a flesh colored, dildo with a face.

Turns out it's an alien from "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." I vaguely remember a shitty bored game based off the film, but if you're anything like me, not only are you shocked that this even exists, but that they even bothered to base toys geared for children on a movie that showed little more than Richard Dreyfuss playing with mashed potatoes and a few freaky fucking aliens for a split second near the end. Which, now that I've talked myself through it, makes total and appropriate sense. 

Do they have a Richard Dreyfuss bendy, too? EBAY EBAY EBAY

And it bends! Did I mention it bends? Dear God, it bends. Completely ageless and timeless, this is the bendy toy of the most nightmarish space creep to ever grace cinema. Let me explain:

YES. You can argue the idea that there are, technically, scarier and more grotesque looking aliens in film. But what this provides is an even more delicate terror than, say, the forever-perspiring alien from "Alien."

This guy doesn't wear clothes. He has zero body hair. The limbs are longer than normal and it's head is the size of a watermelon, which sits on a thin and smooth neck. And behind it all lies a pair of HUMAN EYES. Even in toy form, they gave him doll eyes that, when prompted, twinkle in the sunlight.

He's even more fucked up looking in the bag. I guarantee you this is the ugliest sumbitch alien you've ever done see. And, coincendetally, the funniest fucking thing, too. Seriously, does this not make you giggle? Like, every time you look at it?

It's an unnecessary question, but it begs to be asked:

What does it all mean? How can this thing be so awful and amusing at the same time? (well, it does look like a dick, I mean, c'mon)

Where does life begin and end? Is this one of those ying and yang thing? Why does this toy alien make me...feel this way?

Why?

:/

What's the deal with In-N-Out Burger?

What's the fuss about? What's the big deal? What's up?

I've never eaten at an In-N-Out. The last time I stepped foot into one was ten years ago after a Strokes concert, and that was only because I wanted to impress my friends with worldly knowledge. "Sure, I love this stuff! Been eatin' it for years!"

Everyone talks about it like it's a burger smothered in edible gold. They act like the fries don't taste like any other fries from any other fryer. THEY ACT SO HIGH AND MIGHTY.

I figure that's why I've steered clear. Because, don't get me wrong, I can always get down with a good burger. As soon as hype starts creepin' in, I'm instantly turned off. Or maybe it's my inherent nature to disagree with anything anyone has to say. Just 'cause it's fun and I'm bored tee-hee.

This is my first time trying In-N-Out Burger. I can't wait and wonder any longer! Curiosity has a firm grip on my bony shoulders. And it's shaking me hard and my neck hurts. "Eat it! Eat the food! Eat the Goddamn In-N-Out!" (that was curiosity speaking, btw)

I never realized everyone dressed like old-school burger flippers. I like that. Because if I had to work at an In-N-Out, I'd much rather be dressed as a retro-dork than an actual dork-dork.

There's a certain calmness to it all. The bright lights, the color scheme. It feels (and looks) like a McDonald's but way less hepatitis-y.

I'm already thrown off by the menu. Look at the prices! Look at the minimal selections!

I always remember a specific episode of Kitchen Nightmares, where  Gordon Ramsey was berating a restaurant owner about their menu. Apparently, they had way too many choices and options, causing the customer to become confused and flustered. "There's too many items! Keep it simple!" (that was G. Ramsey speaking, btw)

In-N-Out Burger totally must have seen that episode, too!

BECUZ THEY BARELY HAVE ANYTHING

And that's...good. It's actually good. It's legitimately smart. That episode of KN sooo paid off. 

Sure, they sell more than just hamburgers and fries. They sell shakes. And a choice of cheese on your hamburger. But when you're a fast food joint that mainly sells hamburgers and fries, you might as well just sell some damn good motherfucking hamburgers and fries. 

So the ante is up. The bar has been raised. Will they make the grade?

...but wait!

Along with ketchup, you can load up on peppers! Little, juicy peppers. Everyone knows them as peporoncinis, but I hate writing that word out because blogger always demands that it's spelled wrong.

I also wonder if the owner is such a big fan of the things that they specifically cut out mustard to only offer ketchup and peppers. "Who needs mustard when you have peporoncinis? I'll change the way the world thinks!" (that was the owner speaking, btw)

Well, it looks pretty good. I'm not a stickler, nor am I a snob when it comes to cooked meat, so I'm pretty sure I'm gonna like it. That and because I'm a pig. A dirty, rotten pig.

Overall, really good. I'd take another photo of it but I fear getting hamburger-juice on the phone more than the Devil himself. I already hate how my fingers smell like secret sauce and I swear one of those peppers dripped on me.

It's good, though. Trust me.

I'm gonna take a shower now.

The Story of Elvis Busts and Saved by the Bell.

Do you remember the episode of Saved by the Bell where Screech's mom is leaving town so the gang decides to have a party at his house? And his mom is really into Elvis? And has an Elvis bust? And they end up dancing and going crazy and knocking the Elvis bust into a million pieces? Of course you do!

All actual details aside, I've always wanted an Elvis bust because of that episode. Because of that show. Because of Screech's mom.

It's odd. But I know I'm not alone in this, either. A quick Google search and you can tell other people obsess about this weird, minute detail in television history, too. Hell, where do you think I stole this screen cap from?

So, there it is. Singing, smiling Elvis Presley. I think what I like more about it this is that it's placed on a really nice, golden pedestal. Screech's mom has a golden shrine dedicated to Elvis in their grape colored living room. How cool is that?

I've kept my eyes open for an Elvis bust (and a golden pedestal) throughout the years because of Screech's unusual ability to influence and dictate. Sure, I love Elvis as much as the next guy, but that scene really sealed the deal. I want that statue. I need that statue.

Fortunately, I've seen 'em come and I've seen 'em go. There are dozens of incarnations of this specific Elvis entity -- lamps, cookie jars, everything ranging from the outrageously detailed to the crudely painted, etc. Depending on the jerk seller, I usually see these bad boys priced at over a hundred bucks (fuck!) and, unfortunately, anything under forty bucks is usually 3/4 chipped or the size of a pine cone.

I once tried to weasel an awesome Elvis lamp from the owner of a bar in Erie, PA. I offered him cold hard cash for the treasure, the good stuff, cabbage, dinero, legal fucking tender! Sadly, he told me to fuck off. I wholly understand, it was definitely a nice piece. As it turns out, the bar doesn't exist anymore, so...I won?

This ol' dog always comes out on top, though.

YEAH BOY I GOT ONE

It's not the one, but eh it's close.

This is nice because it's "Hawaiian Elvis," and that's OK with me. Say what you will, but that was a fine time in Elvis History. Jumpsuits, colorful leis, endless buffets, the works.

The quest was fortuitous, though. I got this for a clean fifteen dollars and it's the size of a desk lamp. Someone must not have seen Saved by the Bell Season 2, Episode 5: "House Party" and accidentally didn't price this accordingly. What a loser.

Look at those sideburns! Those eyebrows! That smirk!

Kiss me, you fool.
xoxox

LUST FOR SACRILEGE

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

The gang's all here.

Watch a gross movie, carve a rotten pumpkin, eat a razor-blade disguised as a Snickers, etc. Do what you gotta do -- it's only once a year we can all collectively run around in monster masks to stalk the streets and cause mischief. It always helps to steal little kids' candy and to trip old ladies for looking at you funny. Always gets me in the Halloween mood.

Have a good one, ya creepy weirdos.

my bloody moosehead beer

so i saw this movie it was called "my bloody valentine" and it was okay it had a bunch of stuff like other stuff with kids being dumb and having parties and getting killed. i'd say it was on par with the classics like freddy and jason but this guy had a mining helmet and a gas mask so it's different i guess

the story is of a bunch of miners that were killed in a mining accident and someone related i think to one of the miners or a friend or something wants to exact revenge so he kills everyone involved like the bosses and the city is named Valentine bluffs too if that helps/.

i dunno you just gotta see it

but the best part was when all the kids were getting down and getting crazy and drinking beer and beer and more beer. this specific beer (which is somehow featured all throughout or maybe my eyes just have a tendency to see beer) looked really good, sounded good and probably tasted good

theres even an old guy who runs the bar or something and he tells them "be careful the guy will kill you!" because he's old and has experience with this tragedy and he's always serving moosehead and standing in front of moosehead signs which i stole from google search so hopefully i don't get sued for that.

theyre always drinking the stuff and i've never heard of it! i think this is a canada film with canada people so the stuff they have over there is pretty different so i guess that's why

weeeeell i found that beer HERE in the good old us of a and boy howdy was i ever pleased. i knew god was shining down on me that day when all i had to do was think of it and then it shows up at a liquor store i mean what the fuck is moosehead anyways? there is an allure and mystique but not like the xmen mystique this is another movie

who knows and who cares! IT"S BEEEER!!!!

they only sold it in a 12 packs but that's fine i can drink it like those party kids. it's a lager and its imported and it has a picture of a moose which i like. usually its horses or frogs or interesting men so this is a nice change of pace

well there she is looking just like it looked in the movie. i think it tastes good but i tend to like things people i see other people doing except like bungee jumping and reading books i saw a video on the internet and it scared me for life

you should try it like watch a movie and see a beer and then get that beer to drink. it's a really fun way to blow a weekend i drank a lot then i stood up and was like WHOAAA what happened so it's a pretty good way to get sick and blow a weekend

do it

49397793 bottle caps

I have so many bottle caps.

A lot of bottle caps. What do I do with these bottle caps? They're beer bottle caps and there's a whole hell of a lot of them. Mexican, American, German, cheap domestics and douchey microbrews. Why is there so many? "What in the world have you been up to?"you ask. Well, you condescending jerk, don't assume this is all from, say, a week of collection. What makes you think I could do that? Drink that many, I mean. Well, what makes you think I can't drink that much beer in a week? What an asshole! GET OUT OF MY FACE

Wait wait wait. The cold, hard slap of reality has just hit. You've done this to me, you've opened my eyes. Is this my Swan Song? Are all these beer bottle caps the treasure map to my death? what have i done?! what does my liver look? did I really drink all this beer I take it all back I'll go start drinking water and pomegranite stuff and i'll do that juicing thinging everyone's into!!!

WAIT WAIT NO. This is a collection from the last year. Yes, that last year. In fact, I remember clearly now: the first bottle cap opened and saved was FROM AN EXACT YEAR AGO no that's not really true. I have no idea. But it's been a year. About a year. Give or take.

What do I do with these? I don't want to make beer bottle cap frames with hot glue. I once saw that online. It looked good but kind of cheesy. What about tying them up like popcorn on a string? How long would something like that take? What would I even do with a massive string of bottle caps, anyhow? Hang laundry? Hang laundry specifically cleaned because of beer spills? Yay or nay?

OH!

I got it! I know what to do! I can start "The World's Largest Beer Bottle Cap Collection!" Maybe even open a museum! Well, I'd hate for people to be near me so forget that last part. Don't they have online musuems? I can charge a dollar NO WAIT FIVE DOLLARS. With that kind of money I can get more beer! Which brings in more bottle caps! I'vce done it! I'VE DONE IT I'VE SOLVED IT!

yay tuesday

Quick and Crappy Coffee Review: Kona 13 Coffee & Tea

I went to Kona 13 Coffee & Tea and it's got coffee and it's good here are three things why it's good:

1. The name of the shop uses the word "Kona."

The word "Kona" is fresh, it's vast and it's exhilarating. It instantly brings to mind the sandy shores of Hawaii, luaus and pigs roasting over a fire. It's a great word, a solid word, the perfect word for use in any business. I'm not even really sure what "Kona" even means, but it's hooked me so there ya go.

2. The previous coffee shop before Kona 13 Coffee & Tea sucked, so by default, Kona 13 Coffee & Tea is already a winner.

Before Kona 13 Coffee & Tea came into existence, another coffee joint was in it's spot. It was a place called "Baristas" and it was the silliest little thing you ever done see. In a nutshell, it was a Hooters for coffee. Their idea was to have their female employees sell coffee in lingerie, giving you thrills and chills and all sorts of tinglies. If the regular, ordinary consumer of a fine cup of Joe is anything like me, they'd be too embarrassed to order anything in a joint like that so uhhh yeah. It's just too much pressure. Too much hype. Too many pervy vibes floating around at eight in the morning.

Which is all just a calculated guess as to what's going on inside -- I've never even set foot in the place. I've only driven past it a handful of times. Alright, I was in the bushes. With a telescope. Ten miles away.

They went kapoot so whatever.

3. I was tagged as a spy for competing coffee companies.

My skills in undercover photography have been weak at best. My skills in regular, every day photography suck ass, too. WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY is that I'm terrible at taking photos, especially when I'm supposed to look like I'm not taking photos. It's my ultimate Achilles Heel. It's awkward. It's frustrating. Because it's awkward and frustrating it never isn't awkward and frustrating. If that makes any sense. god this is so frustrating you're making me feel awkward

So I got caught taking photos. I got bold and snapped one of the inside area (it's more of a "stand" than a "shop") which was outrageously ballsy, even for me. It might have tipped the scales because yes I got caught red-handed. By the guy running the show. He asked, "So, what are the pictures for? Am I gonna see this online?"

I would have been totally fucked if he did it in a sinister way. It was more of a wink and a nudge type deal, which helped formulate any type of lie I was about to bust out, it allowed for more breathing room.

"NO IM JUST A REGULAR GUY," I said.

Which I guess worked. Probably didn't. I then decided to tell him that I recently purchased a new phone and was merely testing out the new phone's camera taking abilities. Like, duh! So obvious! The more unnecessary details the more convincing the lie!

If the lies and deceit didn't work, it's alright. I'm just hoping he'll somehow see this post down the line and it'll be even weirder somehow. "Why would he lie?" he'd wonder. "BECAUSE" I'd reply.

Oh, and the coffee's good.

I mean, c'mon. It's coffee.

DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES?

Well, do ya?

DO YA, PUNK?

"There is an Evil Inside."

One of my favorite music videos from one of my favorite albums. Can it get any better than that?

We filmed this in a single day, but it took about two hours to get my hair just right.  We wanted to go for something a little more simple, a little more in your face and just plain gnarly.  All Calabrese, all the time.  Have you ever wanted to see what our mouths looked like REALLY UP CLOSE?  Well, then this video is for you!

There's a few very specific influences we generously took from, but I think that's what gives it charm.  Words like "copy" and "clone" or so negative, ladies and gentleman.  I like to think of it as an homage.  A grandiose tribute!

And if anything, I also really like the song.  I think it's one of the cooler tracks off the record, and really stands out as being something unique and solid and interesting.  We wrote it to be like The Misfits' "American Nightmare," or something Elvis would write if he were attacked by a werewolf.  Whatever the case, the song is done and the video is complete, so grab yourself an extra large and buttery bag of popcorn and enjoy!

STAY EVIL!

www.calabreserock.com