Thursday, May 22, 2014

Quick and Crappy Coffee Review: Kona 13 Coffee & Tea

I went to Kona 13 Coffee & Tea and it's got coffee and it's good here are three things why it's good:

1. The name of the shop uses the word "Kona."

The word "Kona" is fresh, it's vast and it's exhilarating. It instantly brings to mind the sandy shores of Hawaii, luaus and pigs roasting over a fire. It's a great word, a solid word, the perfect word for use in any business. I'm not even really sure what "Kona" even means, but it's hooked me so there ya go.

2. The previous coffee shop before Kona 13 Coffee & Tea sucked, so by default, Kona 13 Coffee & Tea is already a winner.

Before Kona 13 Coffee & Tea came into existence, another coffee joint was in it's spot. It was a place called "Baristas" and it was the silliest little thing you ever done see. In a nutshell, it was a Hooters for coffee. Their idea was to have their female employees sell coffee in lingerie, giving you thrills and chills and all sorts of tinglies. If the regular, ordinary consumer of a fine cup of Joe is anything like me, they'd be too embarrassed to order anything in a joint like that so uhhh yeah. It's just too much pressure. Too much hype. Too many pervy vibes floating around at eight in the morning.

Which is all just a calculated guess as to what's going on inside -- I've never even set foot in the place. I've only driven past it a handful of times. Alright, I was in the bushes. With a telescope. Ten miles away.

They went kapoot so whatever.

3. I was tagged as a spy for competing coffee companies.

My skills in undercover photography have been weak at best. My skills in regular, every day photography suck ass, too. WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY is that I'm terrible at taking photos, especially when I'm supposed to look like I'm not taking photos. It's my ultimate Achilles Heel. It's awkward. It's frustrating. Because it's awkward and frustrating it never isn't awkward and frustrating. If that makes any sense. god this is so frustrating you're making me feel awkward

So I got caught taking photos. I got bold and snapped one of the inside area (it's more of a "stand" than a "shop") which was outrageously ballsy, even for me. It might have tipped the scales because yes I got caught red-handed. By the guy running the show. He asked, "So, what are the pictures for? Am I gonna see this online?"

I would have been totally fucked if he did it in a sinister way. It was more of a wink and a nudge type deal, which helped formulate any type of lie I was about to bust out, it allowed for more breathing room.


Which I guess worked. Probably didn't. I then decided to tell him that I recently purchased a new phone and was merely testing out the new phone's camera taking abilities. Like, duh! So obvious! The more unnecessary details the more convincing the lie!

If the lies and deceit didn't work, it's alright. I'm just hoping he'll somehow see this post down the line and it'll be even weirder somehow. "Why would he lie?" he'd wonder. "BECAUSE" I'd reply.

Oh, and the coffee's good.

I mean, c'mon. It's coffee.

1 comment:

  1. I...almost can't believe that "Baristas" existed. It's simultaneously silly to a hideous degree, and yet, I'm sure there are folks out there who genuinely miss the place. I wonder if they all had Katy Perry bras for the cream and whipped toppings?

    Also, I more or less live the awkward lying thing like, everyday. It's stressful, to say the least, so I have much sympathy for you there.

    Does this place beat out the other neighborhood coffee spots? Or...dare I say, Dunkin' D?