Wednesday, May 12, 2010


I make it no secret that my tastes can sometimes border on ridiculous. Avant garde, I like to say. Of course, it's hard to keep something secret when you blast your weekly travels across the realm of the interwebs, but I at least make an attempt. Well, not really. But you know what I mean.

It's been a long tradition of mine to buy something. Anything. A piece of nothingness that will further my descent into hording and knick-knackery. I'd totally start labeling me diseased and weak minded, but I have some sorta boundaries to control myself -- anything that's cool. Maybe something I can fit in my palm. Collectable. Whether it be miniature, Animal Crossing cell phone accessories or a pile of baseball cards I have zero interest in whatsoever, I'll pick it up. I'll happily throw it into my life and then unhappily realize the uselessness of my purchase at a later, awkward time. What would I ever do with baseball cards? What could I do? Pretend they were Pokemon cards?! That just ain't right.

So one lazy Saturday, I stumbled into a Toys R Us. It's not unusual, and by no means shocking to anyone close in my life, to be galavanting in a department store meant for proud parents and 3rd graders. It's like the family not-so-secret, the sweaty, unshaven uncle who's always drunk, but hey, that's our Uncle Bob! Just replace booze binging with an addiction to make my desk, dusty shelves and coffee table look damn cool. Less terrible of an affliction, overall, but Goddamn you'll have a hard time making room for your ice cold beverages. Keep 'em close to you, and don't spill on the carpet. I hate that.

While making my nightly tumble into another game of Let's Throw Away My Money, I found something to throw away my money on:

Kamen Riders, from BANDAI. Not totally sure when this started existing, but I can get into it. BANDAI always has some pretty neat stuff, even though I never understand what I'm liking. I found them in the clearance aisle, behind the wall of WWE figures that no one ever buys (when the"F" in "WWF" took a hike, so did I) and the curtain of Star Wars swag. I willingly breeze by it these days, knowing full well that I don't need another Max Reebo, or the nondescript, plain looking guy running around in the background on Cloud City. Yeah, that guy. He's got his own action figure. Fuckin' weird.

I got two. Might as well, since I'm stepping up and braving the task of purchasing toys from the young, attractive chick working the cashier. I find it always helps to ask for a gift receipt. It insinuates that you're buying for another (your nephew, buddy's kid's b-day) and that you aren't a grown man buying robots at night. Always seems creepier to be in there late at night. Just screams, "I'm not wearing any underwear under these sweatpants." Oh well. Made my way out unscathed and here we go.

Story goes, these are warriors from Ventara, a parallel dimension from Earth, which you can access from the other side of any mirror. Their world, fabulous Ventara, is full of Advent Decks, the prime source behind a Kamen Warrior's abilities. Which is paying rent on time, or jumping really really high in the air. You choose!

But hey, the evil General Xaviax stole their Advent Decks. Now they're screwed. Except these Kamen Riders? Absolutely unfuckwithable. Somehow, some way, they've got their Decks intact, ready to elbow drop and katana slice their way to the top.

Man, all this typing of "Kamen" makes me think I'm really saying, "common." Or a slurred, drunk and horny version of, "come on." You choose!

"Blank Knight," on the left, looks like a fencing badass, if fencing were at all cool, and "Wing Knight," reminds me how well blue suits a coat of armor. It's intimidating, yet calming. The perfect match in a deadly battle of robotical nature and giant swords...which each figure comes with yay!

I really dig it! It's been a slow moving goal to amass an army of rad looking robots (anything authentic Japanese, really) so this helps. I think I'm now up to...four. Not counting any Transformers and only counting this huge, clunky plastic thing resembling a Gundamy Wing thing I got at the dollar drops it down to one. One that doesn't even count, but it'll have to do. Clearly a Power Rangers meets any-fighting-robot-ever rip, but fun, nonetheless. It was discounted, easily fits into my life, and will soon fit into yours. And soon as you just let it into your heart. B+

So I'm gonna try to sneak in another post before I disappear into the cold, dark streets of Europe, so check back in a few days. After over sixty hours of flying, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna wanna hide in my cave when I get back, next to the warm glow of candlelight, shaking convulsively, sobbing ever so softly. Uh. What?

So tell your friends. And party hard!