Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I Love the X-Men.

I love the X-Men. I love everything about them. Aside from the obvious overwhelming strength and magical powers from beyond, this group of nutjobs wield an intense fashion sense. Through all the adventures and battles...I like their clothing. Everyone on the team has their own look, a unique and personal statement through colorful spandex to really cool looking gloves.

If anything, I want to own a jumpsuit with a big, bold "X" on the chest. Hell, anything with that damn X on it. It's so gang-like and intimidating. Chicks totally dig that kind of stuff.

Now, I know that throughout comics, everyone and every thing has had some pretty cool get ups. My only defense is that it's just not the same with the X-Men. Who else looks like Jubilee? Who else can get away with that weird outfit Wolverine wears on the daily?

One of the things I simultaneously love and am frustrated by is the ever changing cast of characters. You'd think I'd be all about this, but ehh.

On one hand, it's nice to see some fresh, new faces enter the ranks, ushering in a whole new dynamic and feel to the comic. On the other hand, most of these characters suck ass. There's only so many superpowers one can have without aping someone else's superpowers, so any new mutant abilities and charms will usually seem pretty weak. At least to me, I guess. Give me the classics like Beast and Cyclops and I'm just fine. Stick with what you know. Stick with anyone who's a dark and furry blue or can shoot red rainbows from their eyes.

But every now and again, I'm intrigued by the newest weirdo jumping around and picking up cars and throwing them through buildings.

In fact, I become enamored with these characters. What was once a cheap excuse for a new spin on things becomes my favorite part of reading comic books. Who or what will show up next? What kind of magical shit are they gonna be doing? What color is their hair?

I guess I'd better state that although I'm a fan, I don't think I'm the biggest fan. There's a lot of story lines and crossovers I've generally skipped over, and entire decades that seem so far beyond what I'm into. See: anything from the 90's.

So really, this is the last ten years we're talking about. I've been giving it my best to stay up to date by correctly leading my way through the chronological trades. It's kind of sad to think of all the money I've spent collecting comics could have probably bought me an apartment that isn't the size of a phone booth, or at least some really fancy guitars that everyone can be jealous about. Chicks totally dig that kinda stuff.

That being said, one of my favorite these days is a young gal by the name of Hisako Ichiki, Codename: ARMOR.

Her backstory eludes me, and doesn't really serve a purpose in my obsession with this pint size powerhouse, but since I'm already cheating by having her Wikipedia page wide open, might as well run through the basics:

Armor firsts appears in Whedon's Astonishing X-Men, is a student at the Xavier Institute and uses psionic body armor for strength and power.

I so nearly copied that word for word.

This storyline was some top notch shit, but truthfully, my main attraction lies in that psionic armor. Even more truthfully, I like how it's bright pink. Observe:

Look at it! It's like an astronaut suit and marshmallows all rolled into one!

Okay, I hate using images off of google for my blogs, since it's a solid cop-out and completely unoriginal on my part -- another blogging Cardinal sin I can't be a part of. Just copying and pasting assaults and offends me, and I imagine it does much of the same to you.

Instead, as in the past, I'd rather like to paint a picture in your mind with my words and my thought provoking art skills. I like to have the brushstrokes tickle your brain, opening up a flood of imagery and imagination. Today? Not so much. I'm lazy, it's hot outside and I'm all outta Rocky Road. Wait, do you capitalize "Rocky Road?" Or no? MY NERVES ARE ON EDGE, MAN.

Her pink armor is awesome, though! It can form and shape in various ways, from a big bubbly Michelin Man looking thing to a claw-equipped Wolverine motherfucker. I have no idea what kind of fake science and mysticism is behind this, but it's a superpower I absolutely want so very bad. I know everyone immediately jumps on the "I wanna fly!" bandwagon, but this guy right here wants super strength and invulnerability. Most of my life is spent doing things to not be on the fast track to instant death, so it would be an amazing feeling to know that nothing will harm me, whether I'm in a catastrophic plane crash or a simple bar fight, complete with broken bottles and rusty knives. Hell, I'd probably be the one who started these scenarios. I'd go all "Unbreakable" on your ass, blowing shit up, derailing trains, kicking the crap out of all the UFC freaks trolling the streets. Oh, that would be feel so good. And damn, it would look good.

Because chicks totally dig that stuff.

Not sure where I was headed with this, but there ya go. Hisako Ichiki is kinda in the background most of the time, only to pop up every now and again to do some pink, bubbly armor stuff. Occasional jab there, cute little banter there. But every time she makes an appearance, I'm there, in awe and wonder, just imagining that wonderful gift to be mine. That candy-colored armor enveloping my body, daring me to jump off the nearest cliff into a lake of alligators. And I would take that dare. I so very much would.

1 comment:

  1. Again I'm like, 10 years too late to post this comment, but I'm proud of you for continuing to piss in the face of hipsters by ranting about the X-Men. :)

    Incidentally, my next Starburst column is all about my love of the X-Men too! Released 14th August at - my column is called Adventures On Alternate Earths.

    (shameless plug!)