SQUINKIES ARE COOL.

Before I start uploading photos of boring landmarks and funny looking mummies in British museums, I gotta get this out of the way before my head explodes. The jet lag may be to blame for my finger-flopping sloppiness, and the subsequent gushing over such idiocy, but I love Squinkies. And before I'm done, you will love them, too.

I was introduced to these when one of my nieces received a batch for her birthday a few months ago. My gift was easily and embarrassingly upped, because my gift wasn't a grip of tiny plastic balls filled with tiny plastic toys.

When I saw what she got, it was whatever. No big whoop. Until I pulled it away from her like any butthole uncle would do, I actually kinda liked it. Albeit a treasure trove of trinkets for young girls, it was charming and unbelievably addicting. Are these the new hit toy making waves through schoolyards across the states? Is Zu Zu out, Squinkies in? What the hell are Squinkies anyway? Quick summary:

Overpriced vending machine toys, sans vending machine. Although you might argue the money wasted on vending machines, it's my true belief that everyone loves vending machines. You might have felt disappointment in your shitty rub on tattoo, even downright angered over a weak offering in your Homies Mania phase, but you're never really that bummed. You put in money, you get something tangible and entertaining. It's a slot machine for people who hate losing. And slot machines. But more importantly, it's for people who like fun.

Hell, there's even some mild fun to be had in the see-through bubble container. Ugly coin purse or worlds smallest aquarium, your pick. The world is yours, people.

Squinkies, I thought, were solely girly based. From what I saw, the pink packaging and shiny dazzle shit was a dead giveaway, but have faith, true believers. There is, in fact, a whole line for boys wanting in on the action, too. The usual lineup of standard puppies and goldfish are replaced with manly men and dinosaurs, a surefire way into any young lad's heart. Out of loyalty, I opted for the special Marvel version, but now that I'm at home and ten dollars in the hole...and I'm not entirely sure why...but I think I shoulda passed on mini-Magneto for the T-Rex the size of my thumbnail. It's an odd feeling of regret, but then again, I'm an odd man. In time, you learn to accept these things.

Not shabby. Cutesy, fat-faced versions off various hard hitting characters in the Marvel Universe makes any Sunday a little less Sunday-y. These will look great next to my laptop, helping me write, socialize online and curve my spine into a giant boomerang. God, I hate Sundays.

Mentioned before, these are damn expensive for what they are. You already lose the thrill of the V-machine gamble, and the plastic pod isn't even standard regulation size. You get the three mystery marbles, which heightens the experience, but yeah. You really are paying ten bucks for this. Worth it? Perhaps. But there better be a genuine moon rock in one of those secret eggs or I quit.

I wanted to get a full shot of the main haul, but it was way too hard to capture a handful of ant sized jellybeans without it looking like a handful of ant sized jellybeans. So I took a special shot of our more mysterious friends. Looks better than what I initially wanted. Trust me.

So, these are the Secret Three. To the left, Captain America has a jellyfish-ish, see through hue, and in the middle, Thor looks like he stole Mickey Mouse's shoes. On the right? Spider-Man's just Spider-Man, but that's still cool. And since all three are made of a squishy plastic, all three are completely chewable. So it's all very cool.

Also, the first two look like the exact same guy. Same pouty face, same squishy chub body. I ain't complainin', just observin'.

I wish I could go on, but at this point, it would just be pandering. Just know there are a bunch of little toys in little balls invading the aisles of your Target/Toys R Us near you. All is right in the world.

Later!