A Small Cup of Coffee at Dunkin' Donuts is Perfect.

I'm sure you're wondering, "Why a small? I thought you were a big boy and actually drank coffee?"

There's many reasons why I stick with a small cup at DD. We all have our bizarre habits, our confusing way of how we go about doing certain things. Call it a nervous tick, call it a low dose of obsessive compulsive behavior, but it is here, right now, where I'm going to pointlessly explain the perks (ha, coffee joke!) and benefits of a Small Cup of Coffee at Dunkin' Donuts.

ACTIVATE LISTING SEQUENCE NOW.

1. Cute Factor

I don't think you can deny the precious dimensions of a small cup at Dunkin' Donuts. No where else can you order a small and actually get something that looks like it won't give you a heart attack.

There's no hiding the fact that sizes in everything have become increasingly larger over the past few decades, but a small at DD stays true to an actual fucking small. The price, in comparison to most chains, is right on, so you can't feel too ripped off when a small (er, a tall) at Starbucks is over two bucks.

The color, the shape, the way it somehow comes across as actually being "affectionate." Like it'll snuggle up next to you during movie time or bring you your slippers in the morning. No other inanimate object that holds liquid can be so adorable and cuddly.

AHH IT'S SO DAMN CUTE.

2. Integral Part of Not Over Consuming Coffee

A smaller cup of coffee will allow a smaller amount of coffee to be consumed, duh.

If I'm not careful, I can chug coffee all through the day. If I were to buy anything larger than a small, I will drink it. There's no doubt about it. I have no control over myself. By keeping the level low, I allow myself room to breathe, room to enjoy and savor. Call me dedicated, but if I'm staring down the barrel of a large, hot cup of brew, I will do anything in my power to put it's hot power inside of me.

I immediately go into those sweaty, bizarre fits of hallucination from drinking too much, of course. So keeping it to a minimum, I avoid the crash and keep my face dry. I hate it when I get that "sweaty upper lip" thing. Hate it.

3. Perfect Amount of Coffee, Allowing Perfect Intake of Unnecessary Sugar and Cream

I like cream and sugar with my coffee. There. I said it. Most die-hards and connoisseurs of the game will gladly point out the failure in diluting the actual taste of coffee, but I can't help it. Well, let me be more specific: I can't help it at Dunkin' Donuts.

There's just something so right and pure with their coffee to cream to sugar ratio. I don't ever dabble in sugary coffees when it comes to anywhere else -- it's like not drinking booze for a while. You spend a few weeks getting wasted every night, the thrill of it eventually dissolves, and before you know it you're just a plain ol', dirty drunk. But when you space it out over time, nothing hits the spot like eight, big fat margaritas. So if you're pumping in sugar every day, all day, nonstop, where do you go from there to up the ante? Crushing Mike and Ikes into your cup of joe? Using a Butterfinger as a stirrer?

Usually, I stick with a small, just cream on weekdays. I feel a sense of accomplishment when the work week is over (strumming a guitar and watching movies can take a serious toll on a man) so I indulge in a bit of the sugar-sauce on the weekends.

This category covers a lot of things (taste, quantity, quality, price) leaving me with the worst time to come up with another reason number three.

...

Which I can't. So here's a picture of Tendril from the Inhumanoids.

Because it's so fucking cool.