Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Carpet Displacement Theory.

There's a lot of things that bother me. I can't help it -- I just absolutely get annoyed by nearly everything. Well, not everything. In fact, if I were to whittle down the list of things that I worry about, it would fall under the category of inane and pointless. Because most everything I dream about, think about or concern myself over is pretty stupid. The dumber the better. I can't help it. It's like an OCD with ADD and a dash of OMG.

So, what's bothering me now?

Carpet wrinkles. Ugly carpet wrinkles.

OK, here's the thing: it's really not that big of a deal. I get to live under a roof with a toilet and a kitchen and I get to watch TV and strum a guitar and occasionally eat food. It's not a bad gig, really. Griping over a few inconsistencies in a cheap, poorly installed carpet is pathetic even for me.

But it's my blog so oh well suck it!

I've always wanted wood floors, to be perfectly honest. Creaky, classy wood floors. It would eliminate any carpet suffering! Destroy all sadness! Every time I turn around it seems like everyone's got wood flooring (fake or not) and the jealously overrides. Again, not that big of a deal but fuck that would be nice. Clickin' and clompin' all over creation. To dream!

What I'm currently involved in is a carpet with weird, bubbly pockets scattered throughout. I suppose they make decent ramps for Hotwheels, but don't help in keeping up with the Jones'. I know the Jones' have faux wooden floors. Those pretentious fucks.

Here's one of the main offenders. A camera literally does not do this justice because I very well know there's a wrinkle there but you clearly cannot see a wrinkle there. It's that black line. If you squint. And imagine with your heart.


Here's a closer, lower angle. You get the idea, it's jacked, it's there, I obsess. Take my word for it. All that aside, what am I gonna do about it? Why did I call you all here today?

WELL I've come up a theory. An idea. A blueprint. A fool-proof plan. I have a curiously odd proposal on how to amend this carpet treason.

I call it "Carpet Displacement Theory."

My hypothesis is that one area will and SHOULD give way to fate, invention and really heavy things. The plan is to leave hefty objects on said wrinkles in an attempt to flatten them out. The wait of these objects would displace the wrinkles and bubbles and allow me to sleep better at night. Hence, "CARPET DISPLACEMENT THEORY." So grab yourself a small TV, a toolbox or a stack of's time to get busy!

I like to use a laundry basket. It's inconspicuous, unobtrusive and if questioned, no one can fault you for doing your laundry. 

Now, to leave it overnight for twenty-four hours!

Again, pictures don't do it justice. But then again, it didn't do anything so whatever. My theory, sadly, is just a thoery. And in practice totally fucking sucks. In a way, it DOES kind of work, because the area, to the well trained eye, kind of looks flattened and corrected, but I'm guessing it's only because a certain area of carpet is smashed up so yea of course it looks different duh

Did we learn anything today? No. Not at all. You kind of caught a glimpse into my neurosis, which is kind of cool. Wait, is that even the definition of neurosis? What's neurosis? Oh, God, I'm having a panic attack.

yay see ya next time


  1. Bobby I have a solution for your carpet bump problem, drink until you don't notice it! This will also help with your bottle cap collection! Ha! - Jenni M.

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  3. I know how that feels. It's like those little flaws that are of the nature of something as problematic as a carpet, but you can never let go because it is noticeable. Like it begs attention. Good thing problems like those can be smoothened out and our carpets can be kept sanitary and clean.

    Barry Chavez @ Carsons Cleaning & Restoration