Christmas Haul, 2010!

Oh, what a wonderful time to be alive! The air is crisp, holiday cheer is in abundance and my floor is covered in so many gifts and presents that I'm now primed for landmines or a game of Hot Lava. I'm totally psyched right now. There is so much to watch, read and tumble around in my hands to make me just wanna kick over the coffee table. Every time I look over my shoulder at that pile of Christmas fun I'm reminded of how much "giving is better than receiving" can suck it. I'm aware that my chi and harmony will be offcentered and unbalanced at such a statemement, but I'd rather please my PS3 with overpriced videogames than throw my wallet into the X-mas Black Hole of unwelcomed gag-gifts and ugly clothing. I'm also aware of how incredibly gay that last last previous sentence was. Check it out. It's really gay.

So this is the best of the best, the greatest gifts I conned and deceived my parents, siblings and friends into getting me:

Shotglass Showcase:

I don't think I've ever been a shotglass enthusiast, with the only exception being in Salt Lake City years ago, where I just knew I had to start the collection right then and there. I realized how boring a shotglass could be when I understood that I'd never drink anything from it, and that it was better for makesift antfarms for plastic bugs or a guitar pick holder thing. I need to patent that.

Davey got me this, under the guise of Papa Calabrese. I think he was our pops' "Christmas Elf," and supplied nearly most of the gifts our parents gave us on the big day. Normally, this is a travesty and a complete sin against all that is holy, but I can forgive him. The 'rents are just as out of touch as I am when it comes to buying presents for everyone, that the only logical conclusion is to get Davey to do all the purchasing. He's young, dumb and full of fun. He's got his finger on the pulse of his older, wiser siblings and will surprise even the most jaded, burnt out present receivers.

This really is great, Davey-my-boy. It's either a gracious gift or a statement in how messy my apartment is. Or how I drink a lot. I dunno. I hate you now, Davey.

I mean, sure, everything I own is in junk piles and junk drawers, so it's a welcome addition to my cramped apartment. Obviously, I've decided to ditch the shotglass route and stick strictly to action figures. Mainly, ones that'll fit. Those Star Wars dudes had to be bent up and shoved in a bit, but since that reduces the wobble-effect, I'm overjoyed and excited to not have to stand these fuckers up ever again.

It really looks good, like, damn good. Almost sexual. Intensely hard to photograph, so I'm hoping my words bring the excitement. It's as if each figure is given their own accurately sized apartment in Japan, or are involved in a high stakes game of Hollywood Squares.

Bundle of DVDs:

These days, everyone gets DVDs. It's the laziest gift to purchase someone, because who doesn't like to watch a movie? If you're like me, it's almost a human need at this point. You'd be just as well off buying them a jug of water, but a jug of water won't mesmerize and delight. Probably.

This year, I've gone all out and asked for, pined and gushed over the movies I've always wanted to see, but could never find or justify buying online. "Battle Royale," "Riki-Oh," the "Friday the 13th" the TV series, etc. I had no intention of owning season one of "Boy Meets World," but I'm okay with it. I'm sure it must have been on Christmas-discount, but too bad it's season one, 'cause halfway through their run, shit started getting really good on the show. Remember how everything was switched to some bizarre, 1950's sockhop kinda deal? Like, everyone was wearing retro shirts and fedoras. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it, and will often get bogged up and flustered when I bring it up in social conversations. My main theory and total blame goes directly to the 90's swing revival, something I still can't believe actually existed and thrived for more than 17 seconds. Anyway, see if you can spot the worst flick in that pile.

Here's a hint: "Boondock Saints 2."

To be fair, it's not that I totally hate the film, in fact, I've never seen it. It just looked terrible and the two main actors look like they've had their faces turn into melted cheese. It sucks to get old, I know, but I just can't have it. No, sir.

I will admit, though, the first film did put a heavy spotlight on peacoats and on how awesome peacoats are and how peacoats will never look good on you. It really is like a bulky, black dress. Very hard to pull off.

In the end, an excellent haul. I now have three seasons of "Curb Your Enthusiasm," so I'm never leaving the house again. And if I'm absolutely forced to leave the house, I hope St. Flu comes and pays me an extended visit.

Star Wars Audio Book:

Awesome! I love getting books, especially books that can talk to me.

"The Sounds of Star Wars," is, essentially, a giant soundboard for the best and worst noises in the "Star Wars" saga. You run through all six films, stopping at the best spots for the best noises -- anything from mechanical beeps to otherwordly growls. You punch in a number on the keypad to the right and are offered a soundclip right outta the movie. The entire book has some pretty cool stories about how they made the film, what it was really like on the set, etc., but the core selling point is how they detail the creation of each grunt, scream and blaster-blast. A quick runthrough determines that it's mostly old, Asian women used for any of the alien voices throughout, mechanical hisses and pops for ship sounds, and a combo of hippo/elephant growls for the bigger beasts and animals. I LOVE KNOWING THIS.

Also, it makes for a great coffee table book, since it's the size of a pizza and wildly interactive. Step off, artsy photo books and conspiracy theorist garble, make way for Sarlacc screams and Wompa shrieks.

Heavy Rain Video Game:

I've been out of the video game circuit for a while, but will jump back in every now and again. And this Christmas I jumped into the weirdest, most confusing game I could find!

I primarily use my PS3 as a Bluray system for the two Blurays I own, so I'm never quite up to par with the video gaming world. I love it and I hate it. It'll ruin my life but, alternately, soothe and caress me into a mind-mush slumber of love. I can clock in hours and hours of gameplay one month, then the next I'll be denying any involvement in these so called "video games." It's a ying and yang kinda thing, so it's healthy.

I first heard of Heavy Rain a few months before it came out. It looked pretty wild, and had an interesting concept -- most of the game is fueled by your detective skills and moral judgements, with multiple outcomes and situations. At least that's what I think the concept is. I'm more interested in the mindblowing graphics and occasional nudity. Yay!

Danzig LP:

I'm not big into vinyl (I'm only a fan when I'm confronted by hip dudes and cute girls) but I will gladly take a Danzig LP picture-disc thing!

I got this from a friend, who destroyed my life when he bought me and all our friends a gift for Christmas. I was empty handed and undeserving. I was made to look like a chump! A fool! I was hated throughout the rest of the night!

It wasn't that bad, but I'm well past buying anyone I know a gift for anything. I've somehow been backed into a corner where if I buy one friend a gift, I'm forced to buy hundreds more for everyone else. Unless I were to individually hand off presents in secret, I'm gonna be broke before New Year's. It's all well and fine, though, 'cause I've worked the whole thing into a shameless act of greed -- NO presents for you, ALL presents for me.

The collector in me almost passed out, reaching deep inside my being to control my excitment because this will be worth a million dollars, but yeah. I'm positive it doesn't cost a damn thing, because it looks to be printed in the last five years and, apparently, Davey has one, too. Well, shit.

Alright! That's it! An amazing Christmas season, indeed. How was yours? What did ya get?