Friday, December 10, 2010


You know, everything I've been posting over the last year has, admittedly, been a poor excuse for a blog named "rock and roll mania blog!" I rarely talk about music, I never talk about anything outside of Pokemon and Christmas joy, and I'm always either complaining or flip-flopping by the end of the article. I'll hate something as soon as my fingers hit the keyboard, and fall magnificently in love with it when I'm done. There is no exception today. It's the perfect fodder for this blog, and yet...I hate it. I hate it so much that I love it.


Ya see, I am very so-so with monster models/kits, or anything you have to actually build with your hands, for that matter. I'm on the edge of abnormal gushing and absolute disdain with this kind of shit. I think it's a fear of commitment, or absolute failure of never coming close to what it needs to end up as. I want it to look exactly like what's on the box. In fact, I practically demand it. But my common sense and reasoning tells me NO FUCKING WAY. Thank you, sir, may I have another?

A friend of mine works at a used media store (books, games, DVDs) and every once in a while, some desperate dude might come in to sell his last, worldy possessions to probably pay for stupid things, like food or rent. I hate to stomp all over people's misfortune, but sometimes something comes in that would tickle my fancy. And, my friend, being the best friend he can be by fueling my horrible addiction, will usually pick this stuff up for me. Weird comics here, robot toys there, whatever. This time, he hooked me up. He did me a Goddamn SOLID. Two amazing monster model kits, a slobbering werewolf and that thing from "London After Midnight," which I had no idea was a vampire until right now. I thought it was, like...something else. I guess I should have known, what with the sharp teeth, cape and papery, pale skin. Ha.

Jimmy used to (or still does) build a lot of monster model kits. I've always liked the idea and, really, there's nothing cooler than building your very own mini-ghoul in a poorly lit garage. Complete with swinging lightbulb, those magnifying glasses that jewelers wear and a lit cigarette dangling from your mouth, of course. It all sounds great, right? But as any idea goes, just the idea is sometimes better than actually doing it. That makes sense, I swear.

So when getting a prize package of this sort, I'm uneasy, cautious and reserved. Do I even bother opening it up? I let my buddy know I was ecstatic, yet ready to point out that he just granted me a task. Thanks, man! Now I'm stuck in a happy/guilty limbo.

Should I just let it sit on my kitchen counter, only to be noticed when all the dirty dishes don't have any room to sit and not be washed for weeks? Because there's no way I'm going to attempt putting those two kits together. Zero patience = bad things happen.

Fuck it. You can always count on the box. Fucking kick-ass box art, baby.

Shivers. I'm actually trembling right now. I'm partial to the werewolf, given that the werewolf is way more menacing, while the vampire seems to be shocked, or grabbing the invisible tits of the world's tallest woman.

I'm looking at the intricate paint job done on the teeth, and the fucking sparkle in the damn thing's eyes, and I'm positive I'm never going to allow myself to abominate this with crayons and Sharpies. I'm certain they're using Sunglow or Laser Lemon for it's teeth. Good choice, box-art-painter-person.

I had to open it, I had to know what I was dealing with. Given that I've never actually seen a model before it was meticulously handcrafted into what it will become, I was kind of...shocked. Is that what model kits look like? The plastic is hard, which I assume ups the dollar amount and, at the same time, the sexual innuendos this blog needs to maintain a healthy level of sass. Hehe, he said "hard."

I like the heaviness, though, 'cause if I can imagine myself using anything I buy as a weapon to bludgeon other people with, I know I've done a good thing.

The limbs almost look like you just snap the shit together! Is it really that easy? Nope!

Directions, thank God.

Apparently, you use the sharpest X-Acto knife you have to shave and trim the extra plastic off, then snugly glue the pieces together. I'm uncertain as to why that's a step you even have to take, when they could have, oh, I don't know, not added the extra plastic. As if painting it wasn't hard enough, now you have to test your skills with a midget's spear. Nerves, I do not have them.

Overall, awesome. Although I won't make 'em pretty, they sure do look great on my shelf. If anyone asks why I haven't built them up, I'll tell them I gave up the dangerous Model Kit Making Game for safety and family, and haven't looked back since. Or to get the hell outta my house, jerk.


  1. They never look as good as they do on the box! Now, I never tried my shaky hand at monster model kits, (hell, I didn't even know they made those!) I definitely would have taken a stab at one of these in my drunken War Hammer 5K skeletal and Orc army building days! At least your werewolf is large enough to not have to use a brush with one single hair to paint the hollow eye sockets of something the size of your thumbs! I don't even remember the point of taking on that task! Hobbies fueled by beer always seem like a good idea at the time! Well, have fun with your werewolf and your tit grabbing Jack the Ripper! :D

  2. I think you can totally paint the vampire. It looks completely doable. I love his face. I've never seen models that awesome. But if they were mine. I would attempt the sparkle in the werewolf's eyes, put some red around the mouth, and then...I would paint the whole thing black and tell everyone that the example just wasn't dark enough.

  3. What a great gift idea for your older brother!

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  5. Man...I SO know where you're coming from! I LOVE models...but suck like a hoover when it comes to actually building them! My last attempt was a model of the Starship Enterprise.'s probably the geekiest thing you could build outside of Doctor Who's TARDIS, but I don't give a crap! It's William Shatner's starship...and damnit, you just can't beat the Shat'! I digress...

    So, I built this kit, and it actually looked pretty good. It was all nice and cool looking...and all I had left to do was put the nacelles on (those big ol' tube looking things sticking on the rear topside of the ship. Don't front, you know exactly what I'm talking about! We're all nerds here!). So, I followed the instructions to the letter (a miracle in and of itself), and left the whole model kit upside-down and rubber banded together overnight...just like I was instructed. What happened the next day when I turned it over? The right-side nacelle slooooooowwwwllly bent and fell right the fuck off!

    I tried for WEEKS to fix the damned thing. I used various glues and epoxies, and other techniques that probably aren't legal...but to no avail. I thought of painting it up as "battle damaged", but then decided that was too geeky...even for an uber-dork like me. I ultimately wound up throwing the whole durned thing away. In retrospect, I wish I'd loaded it up with fireworks and re-enacted the "self-destruct" sequence from Star Trek III, but it's probably for the best. In all likelyhood, I would have just wound up the recepient of a Darwin Award.