Sunday, March 20, 2011


Superhero masks?! Superhero masks!

Superhero masks!

This is from Marvel's "Superhero Squad" line of toys, a line tailor-made and intended for the younger Marvel fans. I always thought this was a cool route for Marvel, featuring all your favorite characters in small, cutesy form, spanning the most beloved characters to the more obscure. Already a TV cartoon and a videogame, I don't think it's doing too bad. I know kids must love these, and although it seems like it's all there is the way of modern, accessible Marvel merch these days, I can love it, too.

Now, I've always wanted to be a superhero. The closest I've come to making that an actuality is owning a ton of crappy Spawn shit and having the ability to sleep for a good eleven hours at a time. The Justice League may turn up their nose at my resume, but I'm certain there's a spot for me in the Justice Society. Way more liberal over there.

I can definitely see these masks going over well with any kid. As a full grown adult, I find the idea of parading around as an X-Man to be fun and rousing, so anyone under the age of twenty-six is bound to get down. Just thinking about slapping on Captain America's trademark identity invokes and incites a desire to fight and kick. I'm just begging for a world where supervillians existed and karate-chopping them in the chest was both invited and awarded. It's a solid testament to the theory that if you put on anything that implies heroism via violence, violence will be had. Even wrapping a towel around your neck makes you want to jump off the roof in attack mode. You can look up to the Green Lanterns' moral code and healthy, happy way of protecting life and all that is good and wonderful as much as you like, but you can't deny the fact that they're still ramming skulls into brick walls and bodyslamming people in supermarkets.

Davey bought a bunch of these (Iron Man and Spider-Man are available, too) and acted only as Davey would -- by attempting to rub his newly prized goods in my face. I was, as per usual, heavily hungover, and the idea of covering half my head with hard plastic didn't see too thrilling to me at the time. Davey walked away defeated, and I crashed out on the floor to "Prayer of the Rollerboys."

But something happened that night. My dreams were more vivid that usual, featuring an intensity I haven't experienced in a long time. Between the usual dream-topics such as waking up late for something important, being stabbed in a dirty alleyway or of Corey Haim and I teaming up to take down drug-peddling Nazis, I dreampt of costumed heros. I dreampt of those damn masks.

The next day, I went out a got a pair for myself. I would have bought all four, but Iron Man is played out and I'm not entirely convinced that a Spider-Man mask is equal to what he usually wears, which is, like, a face-hood or something. And it's more of a fabric as opposed to a plastic. We can argue all you want, but in my opinion, it's plausible that Wolverine and Captain America's masks are made of a plastic-like material. Therefore, these Captain America and Wolverine masks are superior to Iron Man and Spider-Man's masks. My money went to the right place.

Although I would have bought them anyway, I tried them on, and surprisingly, they aren't too snug and don't look THAT bad on my huge head. Figuring that the ideal head-size is that of an eight year old, I feel like I won this round. Round Two: Cheap Material Test.

It's actually made of a decent plastic! I feel like can at least take a softball to the dome, or a light judo-chop. Also, play-time will not be halted by anything breaking or falling apart when your buddy gets too into his role and socks you in the face. As required, you will be punch him back, 'cause that's what superheroes do. This is a good thing!

I'm really digging the Captain America mask over there, man. It's nice to have some Cap in my life. The blue is bold and the wings are just plain cool, and can easily be snapped off in a tribute to Ant-Man. I know Ant-Man doesn't have a giant "A" on his forehead, but just go with me. We're in the middle of some playtime here.

The Wolverine mask, though, is tops. All nice and pointy, perfect for snikting and bubbing and trying to look like a bad-ass. Kinda hard, though, since you're wearing a bright yellow Halloween mask. It's also tough to achieve a sense of bad-assness when you're recreating the biggest bad-ass in Marvel comics, I realize. You're better off pretending to be a low level character, like Toad. Or Jubilee.

I take that back. I love that raincoat. So much.

Alright. I know and am well aware that I've got the sideburns, and God forbid, I'm actually thinking about adding a bright red "X" to the arm of my leather jacket. But please, guys, please don't bring me down to such a sad estate of affairs by having me post a photo of myself in this mask. It's weak, it's sad and I don't want to end up on the internet like the "Tron guy." I'm already half-retarded on YouTube, and my Facebook posts paint me as a drunk, confused man. Anything is possible these days.

But then again...what if it's the opposite of my expectations? What if it all out? What if I become an important, high profile internet celebrity? What if I'm seen by a casting director and hired to play the lead role in a new Wolverine film? What if?! OH GAWD WHAT IF!!!

Oh, yeah, baby. Oh yeah.


Verdict: FUN. Get 'em, wear 'em, jump around and do a lot of kicking! Rock and roll!


  1. If only you had a cigar to smoke while wearing the Wolverine mask.... Does he even smoke anymore? I know Joe Quesada's very "anti-smoking," though it is one of Wolvie's trademark habits.

    Which masks did Davey get?

  2. It's Davey we're talking about here -- he got all four. Ha!

  3. @ Kirk: Yeah, the twat Quesada actually put out a mandate that all Marvel heroes are not allowed to be seen smoking...not even Wolvie or Nick Fury. Of course, this is the same idiot that came up with Spidey making a deal with a devil to erase his marriage...'Nuff said!

    @ Bobby: There are actually FIVE of these! There is also a Thor helmet! I SOOOO wish they'd had that back in the days when I had long, flowing blond locks!

    BTW, with the burns, you actually pull off Logan pretty well! I think all three of you should take to the stage dressed as Marvel heroes, even if it's just for one gig!

  4. Perhaps Iron Man 3 could use a theme song? AC/DC was pimped in the intro to the second one, so how about a little Calabrese for the third?

  5. I'm with The Gill-Man; you guys should dress as superheroes for a show. Preferably when you guys come to Baltimore so I can see it up close and in person.