Sunday, June 19, 2011

"Congo" is My Favorite Movie Ever.

"Congo," a film released in 1995, is one of my favorite movies to watch. Based entirely around a talking monkey and diamonds the size of plums, there's nothing this movie won't do to entertain and delight. I've seen it enough times to know that it's a pretty awful turd of a flick, but with anything, my love is compiled of fond memories and deep emotional attachments to a gorilla with a Nintendo Power Glove. Oh, and Tim Curry. Tim Curry is great.

Now, I'm not sure what could be said right now, how to plump this up outside of a simple "me like." I thought about summarizing the movie, detail upon blissful detail, completely out of pure delight for no one but me. I even entertained the idea of drawing my Top Three Favorite Scenes in Paint, but my heart, as you will soon find out, just ain't in it.

You see, my computer died. It didn't live a happy, healthy life and finally and peacefully closed it's eyes for all eternity, rather, it fried so completely and irreversibly, your apartment dumpster just gained a new friend. I'd like to imagine they'd be buddies, but truthfully, I know the dumpster is glad for the food. My dumpster is evil.

At this point, my computer has been reduced to a mess of strange clicking sounds and whirring noises. The monitor is showing a screen full of confusing text, with options and pathways leading you no where, everywhere and back to the beginning all over again. System error this, system failure that. Silver lining? Kinad looks like something out of TRON.

Right now I'm using a laptop, which is not my favorite thing at all. No immediate mouse, continual and painful hunching, fat fingers mashing tiny keys, etc. The thought of using this shitty device has been keeping me away from my fragile and delicate life online. The first days were total hell, where the thought of not returning semi-important e-mails and updating my Facebook with what color my underwear is was my surefire descent into madness. I get the shakes, I feel nervous, confused and agitated that I'm not able to see what the fuck is up.

Thankfully, I got over it and returned to reality. I'm now more in touch with human emotion. I've adopted a new outlook on living a green life and have given up gluten cold turkey. When all three of these are combined and added up, it means I'm better than you. Sorry.

To get through the tough time, I turned to all outlets for an answer. I boozed 'til I couldn't see straight, I ate until I was bloated, I watched endless amounts of terrible TV to fill the lonely void. I also popped in my "Congo" DVD.

It helped me keep sane, which is a lot to do for a guy who's life is based entirely around the size of his itunes library. Which, of course, is so dead and gone my main priority at this point is to buy and spend and cry my way into happiness. The thought of re-entering all of my CDs is a harrowing thought, people. I know I can pick and choose the best of the best, to keep the task to a minimum, but I want everything on there. I like the idea of knowing it's all there. I WANT IT ALL AND I WANT IT NOW.

Nevermind the fact that all of my stored photos have been erased and now cease to exist, where the last five or six years of Calabrese's existance is now null and void. It's a good thing, though, but I suppose you'll never see the elusive pictures of me when I wore massive black creepers, had painted fingernails and thought I was, through and through, an actual vampire. FML.

I don't know why, but the film is great. It's just the right amount of terrible acting, plot and setup to keep you watching. To be fair, though, the jungle scenes can get a bit tedious, but as soon as Amy, beautiful, ridiculous Amy, uses her robot-hands to speak in a creepy robot-voice, everything is just bettter. Life is divine. The world is sublime.

So there you have it. That's why I haven't been around in a while. At least "Congo" saved me. I'll update a bit more as soon as I get used to these laptop jitters, and as soon as I own up to the fact that the next thing I'm dying to write about is, once again, Pokemon. C'mon! I started putting them in my Castle Greyskull as they're personal cave/hidden hideout/swank clubhouse! It's fucking precious!


  1. Dude, I feel for your loss. My laptop has crashed twice, and twice I've had to re-boot from the factory restore disc. From your tale of woe, though, I'm assuming you've never bought a portable hard drive to back up all your files. If the burnt-out husk of your old computer cannot yield any of its stored fruits (sometimes things can be recovered), I'd recommend investing in one, the bigger the data storage the better. As for iTunes, you should be able to plug your iPod into your new computer and transfer everything over.

  2. I second Mr. Go-shay's advice about the iPod transfer and getting a portable HDD for backup. I have an old iPod video (40 gig, I think?) that I put ALL of my music on. If I'm in a mood for a certain style of music, or just certain songs, I don't dick around with iTunes' playlists, I just stick them on my little Nano. Much easier to deal with that way. As for your info that you've lost, you can send it in to data recovery specialists. Not cheap, but can you put a price on those vampire pics? Besides, you guys are all multimillionaires by now, so no biggie. If you aren't, then we have failed as fans and must atone by purchasing multiples of all of your items.