I'm Back, Bitches.

I'm home! We made it!

As much as I like being on the road, I like being at home. Home is where I mindlessly watch TV, angrily disregard the dishes and can and will take full advantage of not wearing any pants. I know our tour wasn't the longest in rock and roll history (eleven consecutive shows in eleven states!) but for us, it was a decent run. Especially when we started in St. Louis, ended in Erie, PA and drove the grueling thirty-six hours back home. I really think we should have planned that out better.

Anyway, I fully expected to detail and log every minute and fascinating moment spent on the road, but Day 1 proved to put an end to the idea when I realized one thing -- I didn't even bring a camera.

In all fairness, between driving around in a van, loading and unloading heavy equipment, taking pictures of all the pretty bars and twinkling toilets seemed like it would just overwhelm me. Then uploading them to this site and writing about it? My head is starting to throb just thinking about it. I know it sucks and in hindsight, I really do wish I had stopped being such a bitch and started taking some photos. Lots of incredible people should be highlighted right here and right now, along with the tons of disgusting diners that should be publicly shamed and put out of business. Only the photos supply the key to this. The key to my maddening and triumphant success. The key I don't fucking have.

But I have this. I have the single snapshot I put all of my energy and enthusiasm in taking:


It was at Asbury Lanes in Asbury, NJ. We just finished everything we had to do and were killing time. I took a photo of Jimmy out of pure boredom, none the wiser that this would be my first and last impersonation of a daring European photog.

Maybe it's a good thing I didn't even bother.

I'm eventually going to go more in-depth with our journey, but right now I wanna get in and get out. As soon as I got home I unpacked, took a shower and went to Toys R Us. I needed to celebrate. I needed to get wild. I needed to blow some cash.

I picked these up because they were cheap, colorful and just small enough to keep in my pocket for long road trips and outside adventurin'. I'm not really sure what I was searching for, but it wasn't necessarily this. So, what are they?

Transformers, asshole.

Truth be told, I'm not the biggest Transformers fan. The idea that these robots from outer space could turn into cars and airplanes and dinosaurs is wonderfully welcome, sure, but it never seized me like it has for so many others. Everything adds up as to why I should love Transformers, so I can only blame my ehh-attitude on the difficulty of actually transforming the damn things.

The ones I bought were rated the lowest, meaning that a dead chimp could figure out how to make Robot Robot turn into Robot Car, and the lady who rung me up was a huge fan, who ensured me I made the right choice. I think I can manage this.

And so in this lies my curse. I will continue to buy and buy and buy until all living space is occupied by Opti-this and Mega-that. I have so many Transformers from throughout the years and I never do a thing with them. But, when I was younger, my favorite Transformer (and one of my favorite toys of all time) was one that turned into a gun. Like, a true-to-size pistol. Shit you can't get away with in this day and age.

I think Transformers only look great fully completed, so don't be surprised if I ever recall stories about my Junk Drawer, a holy sanctuary for broken crayons, dead batteries and mangled messes of Transformer plastic. I need to write about my junk drawer. Anyways:

I picked up Barricade and Bumblebee, part of "Dark of the Moon: Cyberverse" line. I had zero idea that there was a new film coming out, but I'm an instant fan if it means inexpensive robots that I don't really like by the handful. Seriously, the place was jammed with Transformers. And at five bucks a pop, I don't feel that guilty, but still a little bit hesitant about fueling Shia LaBeouf's movie career.

I like Bumblebee because his name is "Bumblebee," and Barricade because he can morph into the ultimate powerhouse megamachine: a police car.

His strength leads the pack, which may or may not mean his actual, physical dominance over the rest of his friends, or just the fact that he's a squad car. Because it's a pretty powerful thing to be seen as an officer of the law. And unbelievably illegal. I like how Barricade just don't give a fuck.

This is the best I could do. I think they only require four motions or less to complete, but it's already beaten me. Bumblebee looks like he never attempted to change (which is true) and Barricade looks like a Wheeler from "Return to Oz."

Well, I was secretly hoping for a pile of WWF Legends action figures (I've got my sights on a Ravishing Rick Rude) but these did alright. I squeezed a little fun outta them. Transformers, I salute you. Now get into my junk drawer.