Saturday, September 24, 2011

A Collection of the Worst DVD Covers Ever.

Last weekend I was hungover. Like, seriously hungover. One of those hangovers you absolutely swear up and down that you don't deserve. You boozed all night, sure, but you didn't booze that hard. Or did you? Hell, it's all a blur and I'm gonna puke.

These days, my body can't handle itself anymore after a night of boozing. Anything more than a few drinks and I can expect the next day to be a full twenty-four hours on the couch in front of the TV. I practically set my shcedule by this. And usually, if it hits the hardest, I can feel the after-effects well into the second day of my Party Redemption. My skin is tender to the touch and my bones ache, but at least my brain is kinda functional.

Damn. What the hell am I putting into my body?

Now, I really can't explain my hangover. I try to act special and unique by complaining that my hangover is worse than your hangover, but I'm sure it's all the same. Do you feel like you have the flu? Is your stomach rotting from the inside out? Do you swear to all that is pure and holy that you'll never drink again?

Through all this praying and whining and crying, nothing is ever gained. My experience is quickly disregarded as nonsense sas soon as I feel better and I'm always back to square one. "Square one," of course, meaing "the bar." Oh well. At least for all the partying leading up into near dying, I can always find comfort and solitude in the next chapter of this horrendous cycle:


When I'm hungover, I pretty much cut myself off from the world. My apartment is my fortress, no one enters, no one leaves. I'm eternally camped out and you will not see or hear from me in those painful twenty-four hours. I feel like I'm some kind of caterpillar, wrapped up in a cocoon for a whole day, just waiting to emerge as a beautiful butterfly. Unshaven, disgruntled and greasy, but beautiful, nonetheless.

Point of my rant? I like to watch movies when I'm sick with the booze. Well, let me rephrase that: all I can do is watch movies. I'm sure everyone who's ever been hungover can agree with this, because watching movies doesn't take a lick of skill at all. It's the perfect plan in helping you to alleviate the sadness while curled up on the floor. My only hangover cure, thus far, has been time, so popping in a grip of DVDs is my only hope. And last weekend, I managed to do just that. You know what else I managed to do? I watched two films with the worst cover art ever.

First up: "The Gate." A total classic, and our first glimpse into the acting world of Stephen Dorff. I can only ever recall seeing him in "Blade" years later, which, really, means nothing to you and not even really to me. Am I still hungover?

Take a look:

Now, if you've never seen the film, this means nothing to you. So for those who have seen it, I respectfully ask...WTF?

"The Gate" was one of those films that only existed on VHS for years. The only times anyone's ever seen it was at a friend's house when they were younger or years later on late night TV. Until "Monster Squad" gained such a huge following, this was a solid film to one-up cheesy film buffs. If you haven't seen it, you weren't total shit, but, like, you were still kind of shitty.

It's about two friends who uncover a portal to hell in their backyard, allowing weird creatures to pass on through to mess everything up. It's fun, entertaining and heavy on keeping it completely un-PC. There's nothing like a ten year old muttering "fag" to his older sister's jerky friends. It's just so raw. I like it.

Well, finally, they put it on DVD. Pretty accessible and simple to find, so everyone could shut the fuck up already. I remember it had a decent cover, which is to say, original cover art idea that tied in to the film. This? This is an abomination.

This new version, their "Monstrous Special Edition" came out pretty recently, years after the last, making it's way into bigger and better stomping grounds like Target and Best Buy. "The Gate" has finally garnered some steam! Everyone will be able to see this!

I can't argue with that, because every fun and almost forgotten film from the 80's deserves a second chance. Now, unfortunately, they decided to muck it up. I assume they're catering to the clueless and impulsive buyers, because with it's flashy new art, you may think this was a fairly modern film, or at best, another film altogether. Looking at the cover right now...hell, it could be anything.

I'll try to break it down.

You see those weird little monsters surrounding our young hero? They were in the film. You see our young hero holding whatever the fuck kind of flashlight in his hand? The little fucker was not in the film.

Everything about it is so wrong and bizarre and a little bit insulting. Assuming they had zero promo photos of little Stepen Dorff, they could have at least attempted to find some teeny dude that looked vaguely like him, right? Well, I gotta hand it to them for being so ballsy, but yeah, they decided to go the exact opposite route.

Hip new haircut, plaid shirt from Mervyn's, cargo shorts that only Charlie Sheen wears on "Two and Half Men," and the worst...sandals. Not regular sandals, oh no. But those hideous kind that...that I don't even know who wears! Business savvy hippies? Beach bums? Dads? Fuck!

Whatever. The movie is still great, but with my unconventional embarrassment, I'll definitely have to hide it behind all the other crap littering my shelves. Which, today, will be a Boglin.

Next up: "Maximum Overdrive."

Earth falls into the path of a meteor, machines go apeshit. I love it! Let's watch it! I'm hungover!

I'm more hungover now. Right now.

Why? Why did they do this? I understand it's tactical trickery, but the computer designed shit is too much for me too handle. This is a little less offensive, since the film is about killer big rigs running people over, but yeah. It gets the point across, but...I dunno. It looks like a crummy film with a crummy cover. Not to say "Maximum Overdrive" is going to move you in ways you never thought possible, but again...yeah. I dunno. Am I just being cranky?

At least the back of the DVD keeps you up to speed. If you had no idea before, you now knew that yes, this was "the movie with that truck that looks like Green Goblin." For years I thought this film was related to Spider-Man. Seriously.

Actually, watching this again, it rekindled my love with Emilio Estevez. "Repo Man," "Mighty Ducks," hot damn.

Do two movies count as a "collection?" Because that's all I've got. I'm sure if I start combing through my junk I'll find equally disturbing covers that will keep me up at night, but I don't wanna do that, 'cause it'll keep me up all night. Seriously.


  1. Worst offender is the "Near Dark" redesign, Twilighted the glitter out of it.

  2. I have The Gate, but the cover looks like this:

    That new cover looks like the one from Bridge to Terabithia:

  3. You wanna talk Twilighted-the-shit out of the cover? Check out the new Buffy BluRay release:

    And how do you NOT put the Goblin truck on the cover for Maximum Overdrive?!

  4. Haha, damn! The "Near Dark" cover is pure insanity. I love it and hate it all at the same time!

  5. Unrelated to the topic of movie covers- Those sandals are affectionatly called "Jesus Sandals" around the shoe world....or at least my shoe store....