Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Today We Will Slay the Breakfast Burrito.

Ho, there!  The breakfast burrito!  The illustrious breakfast burrito!  We are here today to honor the power, the refined magnificence and bold flavor sensation of the greatest food in the Kingdom!  Huzzah!

It is everything you want or need, wrapped up in a tortilla to form a log-like mush.  You are not worthy unless you consume this log.  This swelling lump of bacon, egg, cheese and potato is the true test into Knighthood.  To slay thee you will become one with the gargoyle, a mortal bond between man and grease.  Yes, there will be grease, young one.  You have been warned, you have been told of the consequences.  There is no turning back, there are no bathroom breaks and you will have a limited amount of napkins.

Are you worthy?  Do you dare enter the dragon?

Behold!  Within these paper walls lies an animal ready to pounce!  Do not disturb...unless you are ready for the challenge.  Are you hungry?  Are you not pregnant?  How tall are you?  Once you meet the requirements, you will be treated with respect and honor, for you have taken upon this quest with mettle.  Your courage is bright, but do not get cocky.  Thy monster is tricky, devilish swine not to be taken lightly.

Head forth!  Through the forest and into the dirty bowels of the local diner!  Good luck!

There it is!  The animal un-caged!  A wedge so delicately formed and molded into what will become your greatest friend...or greatest enemy.  Which will it be?  Whose side will you be on?  Do not fret, for the cavalry is here, your allies in a belly-battle have readied themselves at the helm -- miniature cups of green sauce, ready to be dipped at your service, sir!

Unwrap the beast, child, head forth into destiny...

The barbarian is loose!  Draw your fork!  Defend yourself!  Wait...you didn't bring a fork?  What is wrong with you, squire?  Do you realize what you've done?  No time for regrets, use both your hands to straddle and strangle the abominable creature!  That's right, both hand gripped tightly to seal off it's last breath!  Don't let go!  Whatever you do DO NOT LET GO!

Ah, it's bite is deadly and fierce!  It's teeth are bigger than we've all imagined, the mouth wide and gaping, a mixture of chopped up ingredients and lubricious hell-fire!

Damn you, beast!  No time to waste!  We must simply use the same tactics as the fiend!  Yes, you heard me...you must bite your way to victory!  YES!  There you go!  Your human fangs destroy and dominate!  You are victorious in this battle!  The realm is yours, The Kingdom is at your feet!  Women cry out your name, men applaud your triumph!  You are a fearless man, you are a champion, you are a true Knight at the Dinner Table!


  1. I salute you and your bravery. Few men could survive an encounter with such a beast, let alone manage to slay one. Praise be to thee, Sir Bob.

  2. Who eats burritos with a fork?! heathen! Heretic! FOOL!