Tuesday, December 3, 2013


There you are, so fine and dusty, a plastic treasure among the ruins.  You are Hordak, a villain in the Masters of the Universe universe, a bone faced bastard with a super cool bat logo on your chest.  You've risen to the top in terms of looks, prowess and weaponry.  I vaguely see a crossbow and OMG is that a little red bat to sit upon an outstretched arm??? (Imagine a crossbow and a cute little bat -- I forgot to photograph it and I ain't going back.)

I've wanted to open you for many years, my friend.  For years.  I've struggled, I've abstained, I've kept my promise to serve and protect, no matter what the costs.  Others come and go, but it's always been you I've wanted to tear open and chew upon.  Skeletor has sufficed in the past, but there's more to life than Skeletor.  There's plenty of muscle bound skull-monsters in the sea.

I've had this stuffed away in my closet for years now.  I remember buying it at a comic shop selling new and used toys and there it was.  Hordak in his prime, sealed and signed.  The intent was to proudly display the treasure, either in a glass case or some sort of shrine with a single spotlight illuminating it's MOTU talent.  This did not happen.  So it has remained in bedroom-junk-pile-stasis until now.  Because it calls to me.  This very Tuesday afternoon, Hordak has called and I have answered.  Hi, Hordak!

A quick and simply observation reveals that the box is wonky and the edges are bent, but it's still preserved, it's still original.


It doesn't sit right with me.  I know the value has severely been decreased, but there's still hope, isn't there?  There's still a touch of vintage antiquity, right?  Please tell me there isn't cuz I'm gonna open this bitch.

I figure I might as well, ya know?  Just do it, just go for it.  YOLO, man.  YOLO to the cows come home.

There's nothing better than the crunch and smash of a newly opened action figure.  The sights and the sounds of this divine process invigorate even the coldest souls.  So much happy.  So much good.  So much fucking dust on this thing.

Hordak rules.  Hordak's Evil Horde is even rule-ier.  I'd argue that this was the greatest peak of monster-mania to ever rock the halls of a Toys R Us.  Bad guys with multiple legs, suction cups for heads and demons with bristly hair from head to toe.  And they all got together and did crazy shit and it was awesome.

Ah, what a beaut!  A fine example of smooth plastic and pro craftsmanship.  If you were to melt down a brick of gold and shape into a single, lone action figure...this would be that action figure.  It almost shines in the light.  I'll need a pair sunglasses to have playtime in Castle Greyskull.  I might even get a hat for the event, too.  I've always wanted to be a "hat guy."

He even comes with a cape!  It's not made of fabric, but it's blood red and that's good enough for me.  WELL worth the weak moment in YOLO-ing.

Hordak, of course, will need a welcoming party, so perhaps a nice dinner and a few board games with the neighbors will be in order.  I'd suggest charades, but it's a little too "in the spotlight" for someone who really doesn't know anybody yet.

Oh, and BYOB.  Beer is cool but the hard stuff won't be shunned.  Don't tell too many people about it 'cause it's supposed to be pretty low-key.  Got that?  Good.

See you there!