Sunday, January 15, 2012

The Best of the Rest.

Try as I might, but I cannot stop talking about Christmas. I can't stop thinking, dreaming or wondering about my favorite season of the year. Such a great time for everyone, filled with gifts and joy and getting blitzed into unconsciousness. It's like Halloween, but instead of candy there's video games and DVDs. Instead of pumpkin flavored soda, there's disgusting eggnog. Instead of monster masks, there's scratchy white wigs and reindeer antlers. It's not much of a selling point, but fuck you. Christmas rules.

This is my attempt to close the book on Christmas, allowing no more blogs, whining or crying over it. Christmas is over, and I accept it. I can't extend it any further, and by the time I truly give it up it'll be Thanksgiving. So let's just end it, shall we?

With that, these are the Best of the Rest, 2011. The gifts I love the most, and will lovingly cherish until I remove them from the kitchen table so I can use the kitchen table.

What? What is this thing? Oh, it's just a little something called "Sushi Panic." I think.

The woman gave this to me, knowing full well of my deep love for sushi and anything colorful and confusing. All I could surmise was that this above was indeed a game, where plastic pieces of sushi were going to be shooting up and around and all over.

Without any English, the only instructions were detailed on the back via an image of an angry, shouting man. Tell me all your secrets, Shouting Man.

You're given a pack of tiny cards with a picture of each piece of raw fish. The logical answer is that a player deals a card, palms their sushi and ever so carefully sets it on the rigged table. Yes, the table is rigged to explode when too much weight is applied, where a steady hand and pure luck are the key elements to winning this game. The yellow piece weighs more than the grey one, the tiny ones are the lightest, etc. There's no strategy, and everything is based on what crappy card you draw, which is both fun and infuriating at the same time.

I like the guy above. We have a connection. I don't feel like my expression is too far off from his when the shit explodes, because I really, really hate cleaning up after myself.

I think the best part is that the pieces of sushi look like actual pieces of sushi. I refuse to take them all out of the box to show you, as that would require taking them out of the box. But believe me when I tell you that because of this game, my Asian-themed bathroom has never looked better. If it wasn't for Sushi Panic, I never would have truly realized that I'm slowly turning the place where I shit into a full blown Japanese nightclub.

Marvel Comics' Wolverine Headphones!

I've never understood the fascination people have with outrageous and bedazzled headphones. I feel it's one of those things where you're perfectly fine with any pair as long as music comes out of them. Unless you're a DJ or a douche, you don't need these.

...but these have Wolverine on it, so yeah, you need these.

I feel like if I wore these headphones and became merely a quarter as cool as what I see above, I'm safe. Though, truthfully, I don't see myself using something like this, even if they are emblazoned with the coolest comic book character ever. I like the cover art, I like the idea, but wearing tiny ear buds with Wolverine's face on it is something I'm gonna try to avoid in this lifetime. The last thing I need to do is draw attention to myself with Wolverine headphones, especially when I look like I'm desperately trying to look like Wolverine, assuming Wolverine grew his hair out and was called "ma'am" on a regular basis.

Not pictured is the actual product, I know. I tore it open, lost a few of those rubbery cushion things and in a fit of rage, dumped the entire thing in Junk Drawer #12.

My niece, knowing full well as to what Uncle Bobby likes, tops off the list with Ninja, an artful combination of dollar store craftsmanship and shockingly vague packaging.

She hit the nail on the head with this because I love it. I think most children under twelve can pick out an incredible gift for me, and if this was a Zhu Zhu Pet I would have upped and died. I kinda-sorta-maybe want a Zhu Zhu Pet. I kinda-sorta-shouldn't have put that on the Internet.

Loud, proud and with really, really toned leg muscles.

I suppose, to be a ninja, you need to work on your calves and quads, because how else to you scale walls and do triple flips into abandoned warehouses?

My ninjas are based in modern times, mind you. I'm still debating whether they're the "good guys" or the "bad guys," but all I know is that they go up against mobsters with ponytails and the owner of a seedy strip club with gold rings and frosted tips. So by that description, I'd have to assume that they are, in fact, good ninjas. Good job, ninjas!

My favorite would be Red Ninja, equipped with everything an up and coming ninja would need -- kabuki mask, fashionable "three lined" belt and an unbelievably red sword.

Yellow Ninja, seen in the back, is hurt over this, and refuses to have his photo taken. He's jealous and acting out, not unlike a young child. Yellow Ninja needs to accept that his sword doesn't resemble a lightsaber, and that the mere notion of a lightsaber being yellow is outlandish and ludicrous. Yellow Ninja is in denial, and needs to be reprimanded for his insolence. Sorry, Yellow Ninja, but you suck.

And with that, a final Merry Christmas!

Well, until next Christmas.

Guhh, I can't wait.


  1. you know if your hair's long enough nobody will see the headphones.

  2. Don't belittle me on the Internet! Hahah.

  3. I sort of maybe want a Zhu Zhu pet too. I had one but my baby niece stole it and I secretly mourned over it.