Merry Christmas to me, I got a Jerry Only.

I rhymed, and it was awesome.

This Christmas, I beat the system. I barely bought anyone anything and I walked away with presents and gifts and happiness. That might paint me as an asshole, but if you were to spin it in any way possible, one could say that I, through goodwill and grace, let everyone look better and feel better about their gift-giving. Kind of like taking one for the team, ya know? People are happier with themselves, cheer is in the air and we can all sleep better at night when we all have a common disgust to be all disgusted about.

I'm a jerk, but it's for the greater good.

Now, I understand it's the new year. I started writing this before then, but...you know how it goes. Directly after Christmas I melted into the couch and New Year's Eve physically and mentally ruined my body and soul. Still, I feel we're under the "Christmas umbrella," where we can keep on talking about it days past without feeling weird and pathetic. I think it ends tomorrow, though. We'll all hate Christmas tomorrow.

A good friend of mine, for the past few years, buys me a gift for Christmas. This is the same guy I never buy anything for, which definitely follows my Holiday Business Model but really, really makes me look like a douche. I know this. I'm starting to feel guilty, but I can't right now because I got a present and that's all that I can think about let's open it up yay!

To my surprise and delight, it was Jerry Only!

Actually, it wasn't that much of a surprise. I'm the type who actually pokes and gropes their wrapped presents to identify what's inside, as if collecting toys and trinkets wasn't childlike enough. Point is, the shape I felt through this blind and calculated examination was like, well...it was like a coffin. Something good and Misfits-y was surely afoot.

Now, the dude who gave this to me offered two options in a game of Christmas Chance. While being the greatest dude in the world to even bother getting me something, he let me choose my ultimate destiny, too.

Two equally wrapped gifts under the Christmas tree, two exact looking presents nestled ever so lovingly under the branches of a plastic pine. One was to go to me, the other would go directly to my mortal enemy: Davey Calabrese.

And the choice was mine to pick, right here and right now.

Prize A? Prize B?

I chose Prize A, and I got Jerry Only.

Obviously, I love this. When they were first introduced, I missed the boat and am now left with wishful thinking and eBay lurking. They ain't too expensive to get a hold of, but I'm in the majority that would rather get this (and anything else) for free.

One Christmas, years ago, I was Jimmy's Secret Santa, and bought him Jerry and Doyle for his gift. Looking back, that was the nicest thing I have ever done. Looking back still, I'm shocked I didn't buy a pair for myself, too. I wonder if it was during my "I hate everything" stage?

I opened this up and had myself a few different scenarios play out through my head. Because of Jerry Only, I could only surmise that what was hidden in Secret Present Number 2 was, in fact, Doyle.

Did I want Doyle over Jerry? Was Jerry the right choice? I could easily tear open Secret Present Number 2, re-wrap both gifts and have Davey none the wiser.

I think I'm good. The other package did contain Doyle, but I'm satisfied with the outcome.

I like Jerry's custom bass guitar (look at that one-eyed skull thing!) and the neat looking vest. Both Misfit brothers sport equal amounts of wrestling and football accessories, but only one sibling has that gnarly vest. Oh, and dangly arm tassels.

Friggin' arm tassels.