One of the great things about having nieces is that you will be buying things for them. At least twice a year, you can guarantee that you'll find yourself in the aisles of a Toys R Us. This, of course, is not a problem.
I usually stop on by at least once a month, in a weird attempt to "stay on top of things," even though I will never be questioned, asked or interrogated about the current toys fads and obsessions of young children. The trip to a TRU is entirely for me, myself and I, okay?
With kids in the family, though, you really can justify the trip, which I usually do, no matter the occasion. Lord knows how many times I've asked for a gift receipt to sway curious minds, as if anyone truly gives a shit that I'm buying a concoction of Transformers, Pokemon and Twizzlers for myself. But for those who do? You've been duped.
Now, one of the worst things about nieces? I have no clue what a young girl is into. Christmas and birthdays roll around and I'm in a state of panic. The older they get, the more the lines begin to blur. Like, what's cool with an eight year old girl? Are Barbies totally out of the question already? Is a Nerf gun that shoots out eight-hundred foam darts too excessive?
So I go for the age old trick: buy exactly what they want, with a few, special "Bobby Calabrese Bonus" gifts added on. See: I bought Garbage Pail magnets and a "Grow Your Own Finn" Adventure Time...grow thingy. Don't know if she even understands what "Adventure Time" is, don't care. It's just too good to pass up. Happy birthday, kiddo!
You know exactly how they work. Throw them into water and wait, ever so painstakingly, for them to grow into monsters that will eat your parents. It's the ultimate kid fantasy to have something so tiny morph into a brand new friend you can talk to and keep in your backpack. Turns out, it's my fantasy, too. So I got my own and here I am today. Friday nights have never been so exciting!
One of the key selling points right there, bold and proud and maddeningly unbelievable. "Adventure Time" aside (which is a cool show, no doubt) it simply wasn't the reason I had to have this. It's because water makes him grow up to five-hundred times his original size. Is that even possible? THIS SOUNDS LIKE INSANITY.
Now, how big is that? I'm not good with numbers that look and sound threatening. I've done these before and I can't remember anyone ever claiming such large of an outcome. Five-hundred times the original size has to be huge, right? What would be the ramifications of something growing that immense? Do I need to clear out the living room for this?
For height reference, I set him up against grape Pez. He's small, but not as small as these things usually are. Which is, like, walnut sized. This is far beyond the size of a walnut, clearly a front-runner in total-growth-annihilation. He's made of a thick, hard material that I can only imagine will suck up the shit out of some water. I have a very good feeling about this.
Basically, this has to work.
Into the bucket of water you go, mah friend.
For the next few days, I'll be out and about and away from the apartment. When I return, it will have been a week, and the results will be in, which I'll be posting accordingly. If it ain't the size of a Cadillac by the time I get back, I'm gonna be pissed.
See what I did there? "Grow" was in caps, imitating the growth of...ah, never mind.