Sunday, July 8, 2012

My Friend is Here! He's Alive!

He's here!  My soon-to-be best pal and strict confidant!  God, there are so many secrets I need to tell you. I just got back from a trip to California (think Universal Studios meets Disneyland meets too much drinking) and aside from the long lines and overpriced souvenirs, it was a good time.  We even went to the beach to pretend to know how to boogeyboard.  I caught a few waves, tasted the fine sands of Huntington and had my back transform into a lobster shell.  Ughh.

But I'm back and in business, ready to get on with my thrilling life of e-mails, Netflix and a "grow your own Finn" from Adventure Time.

There he is, fully boiled and plumped up like a backpack-wearing hotdog.  I know he came curled up and hugging his legs, but I like the idea that he moved into that position for hibernation purposes/comfort.  He must have just watched "Demolition Man" and took note.  Thank God he kept his clothes on.

Now, off the bat...I'm unimpressed.  Could be the angle, could be the level of light, could be the UNBELIEVABLY HIGH EXPECTATIONS I've been harboring for the last week and a half.  If I wasn't preoccupied by roller coasters and giant pickles, I was obsessively thinking and wondering about Finn and his mega-growth into a towering monster. If you recall, the packaging promised an increase of Finn by five hundred times.  I knew the odds were against me, I knew the claims were outrageous, but throughout my absence, I held hope.  They said to wait a solid seven days for maximum results, so I did it better and bigger: I waited eight days.

Is that five-hundred times the size of Small Finn?  Could be.  Probably isn't.  But it's still pretty cool.  Aside from looking like a lost relic from the bottom of the ocean, Finn has transformed into...well, a monster.  Most likely from the bottom of the ocean.  In my heart of hearts, I wanted a "monster," and, in a way, that's what I got.

How is this considered a monster?  I dunno.  There's something inherently weird about the way Finn looks after his week long bath.  He's puffier, discolored and just eerily wrinkled and cracked.  And what looked like a cute and cuddly pose has turned into absolute evil.  He was hugging his legs before, yes, but now it just looks wrong. Leg-hugging has turned sour. Now, the eyes? It's like there's truly nothing behind those eyes. All I see is cold bird-like dots.

Well, ain't that creepy as fuck.

Side note:

Universal Studios was actually pretty fun.  Haven't been there in over ten years, but it was a nice change-up from Disneyland all the time, every time, no exceptions.  Of course, it lacks the charm and general cleanliness of Disneyland, but there's still fun to be had.  OF COURSE, the rides are greatly numbered compared to D-Land (can you count a "walk-through" as a ride?) but they, uh...they still have...why am I on the defense again?

Point is, the place is vastly overpriced for what levels out to be two actual rides and a really long wait for Jurassic Park.  Which, according to me, is worth the admission.  Shit's scary, man.

Yeah, the Simpsons ride was a bit of a disappointment, but the fact they built an actual Kwik-E-Mart with beer holders, cups and soda was enough to quickly overcome all sadness.

I didn't buy that hat.  I'm instantly feeling regret for not buying that hat.  My initial reasoning was that besides it being twenty-five bucks, it's still a brightly red hat.  Who wears red hats?

I'm back to not caring about the red hat.

See you next week!


  1. As always, your blog cracks my ass up!

  2. Have you ever had a fish that was purported to grow to GINORMOUS levels, yet it only grew a half an inch inside your 5 gallon tank? No? Well, it happens. Put it inside a backyard pond and it will soon grow to the legendary proportions you'd read about. I think you've got a similar problem with Finn. Put him in your bathtub for a week. Do not disturb him. In a mere 7 days, you will be able to enjoy your new 500x Finn. That's only if your wife doesn't kill you for not taking a shower for 7 days straight.