Thursday, August 16, 2012

7-11 Monster Cups.

I like to drink stuff.  All sorts of liquids, sludges and beverages.  If I had my way, it would be from a crystal skull, as made apparent in the last post.  I will settle for monster themed cups from an early 80's 7-11.

There they are, stacked up and desperately needing a washing.  Been sitting in the corner of my room for months, and only now have I decided to pull them out for all of my cup needs.  And of course, I have zero proof that these are from the early 80's.  It's a logical guess, assuming "logical" meant "random" and "uninspired."


The history of these things?  No idea.  All I can tell you is that they bring a certain sense of 80's nostalgia to my household, even though I didn't even exist before 1984.  There's something about the goofy artwork, the soft, ugly coloring and the charm of simply having crude monsters plastered on a tall cup of Dr. Pepper.  Don't like Dr. Pepper?  Then these aren't for you.

I won't bother finding out why these were produced, or what event they were being affiliated with at the time, because it's better this way.  It's better not knowing/creating my own scenario.  It makes sense to me that these are simply existing in a easier, more relaxed time, next to junk food and crappy magazines.  These were invented out of a curiosity, a demand for fun in an otherwise shitty work week.  I want to think that at a 7-11 board meeting, with the President of the company in tow, while discussing the future of their various soda cups and Slurpee junk and other dumb shit, simply asked themselves, "Why the hell not?"  And that's how the universe was created.

All lined up in a row, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.  Call it a certain vibe, call it my uncanny ability to get excited over electric green swamp trolls -- it all adds up to a thrilling Thursday night.

I want to take photos of every single cup and explain to you, in vivid detail, how and why I love each one.  But, if you've noticed, there are eight cups total, and this is, as mentioned, a Thursday night.  I've very busy on Thursday nights.  Maybe I'll show you my top three?  Top two?  There's just no time to article all eight, individual monsters OH FINE I'LL DO IT.

We'll meet in the middle.

These are my Top Four Monster Cups From 7-11:

I'd hate to be obvious and overt, but I had to go with "Zombie."  The red sun reminds me of "Dawn of the Dead" and his body looks like it's melting into a fine, Thanksgiving Day gravy.  That is perfect on multiple levels.

Did I mention each cup had it's own monster biography?  If all the imagery and scenarios swirling around in your brain wasn't enough, you're given a complimentary back story to fill in the gaps and plot holes.  Before, my zombie lived alone and worked at a hip restaurant.  He served tables well and achieved decent tips.  Now, he's cursed to wander eternally in the nether regions between life and death.  I like my version better.

Legitimately reading it through, it's a pretty cool bio.  I really couldn't have said it better myself.  Actually, I could, and can.  In a song for our next record.  I love you, 7-11 Monster Cups.

Number two on the list is "The Cave Thing," because he's so fucking tough he doesn't even have a proper name.  Unless it really is "The Cave Thing," like The Thing from Fantastic Four.  Then that's just lazy.

Why wouldn't I pick "Troll?"  Troll features multiple attributes I look for in a monster -- green, fauna-like skin, puffy lips and a puzzled, almost inquisitive look.  But angry inquisitive.  He is a monster, for God's sake.

I might be the only one who thinks the "Ghost Riders" are cool.  Even my younger self would have scoffed at the idea of a couple of skeletons riding dead horses, but then again, my younger self sucks ass.  Because these are skeletons riding dead horses!  Wearing scarves!  And cowboy hats!  I think I blew it on this one!

See you next week, dudes.


  1. Skeletons doing anything is bad ass.

  2. The troll looks a lot (and I mean a LOT) like Brobee from Yo Gabba Gabba. Better than looking like a turd, I guess (yeah, I'm thinking about you, Mr. Cave Thing.) And those two gay Ghost Riders (who are clearly skeletons and not ghosts) are probably gonna reenact scenes from Brokeback Mountain.

    Get it?

    They're gonna bone each other.

  3. These are from 1975 sir, and the Ghost Riders one is rare as HELL. Store these away. They're worth a bundle.