Quick and Crappy Coffee House Reviews: Dutch Bros Coffee.

Dutch Bros Coffee.

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I go to Dutch Bros Coffee when I remember that they exist.  In between the hustle and bustle of everyday life, one might overlook this tiny booth that serves up hot drinks and cool smoothies.  They sit in parking lots, in between tall buildings and right in the middle of wherever a coffee-shed can fit.  The outside really does remind me of a greasy food truck, or an independent lemonade stand that OMG SERVED COFFE E INSTEAD OF LEMONAIDE!!11

I really should have taken a photo.

THE BASICS:

It's more expensive than Starbucks.  I don't mind paying an extra twenty cents, though -- the adorable "windmill" motif is well worth the price of admission.

The few that I've seen are standalone buildings, cute little huts that serve coffee and sugary stuff, with a walk up window and a high emphasis on a quick drive-thru.  My only qualm with saying you have a "fast drive-thru" is that, whether you really are super breakneck with pouring cappuccinos and lattes, shit still takes forever if you've got eighteen cars in front of you.  Just sayin'.

I don't think I've ever walked up to the window, I've only ever driven, so that's what I did today in my air conditioned vehicle (it's 800 degrees outside, yay Arizona!)  It's a small place, and it only seems that only two people are ever working inside the little shack of a shop.  Not much to say about that observation, though.  Just stating the facts.

Notice the speed of which I snapped a photo of the drive up menu, narrowly escaping the sights of the cashier/barista.  She almost caught me, for real.  I shudder to think of what THE FUCK I could have said to explain why it looked like I was taking a photo of her ass.

Side note, the people who work here are, without a doubt, the most chipper and animated people running a coffee business.  Unless Dutch Bros strictly hires the most upbeat and positive human to grave this fair land, I assume they're given a few lessons in customer appreciation.  Because, boy howdy, they appreciate the hell out of you.

A lot of places do this.  It's totally cool and a great sales tool, but it's to the point where the happiness is absurd, and the last thing you want are bright smiles and sprightly conversation.  They corner you with their words.  They'll ask, they'll pry, they'll seem genuinely interested in your life, your job and what you've got planned for the weekend.

It's all fake and over the top, but I can totally get why people would love this.  Having a friend serve you a cup of Joe is kinda nice, rather than a raving asshole who hates your face.  I get it's a sales tactic and all is well and people laugh and we all walk away happy, but...it can kinda get weird, ya know?

Side-side-note, rain or shine, it always seems to be run by two unabashedly perky and cute girls.  Good on you, Dutch Bros.  Good on you.

Their coffee is good.  It's ALL good.  Everywhere I go, I can only assume that anything besides a "small with cream" is good, too, because that's all I seem to get.  Aside from plain black coffee, I think it's the perfect prop to test flavor, taste and consistency.  But I ain't doing that shit.

Not sure exactly how the Dutch do it, but they do it well.  I see a lot of pressing and steaming and laboring behind the counter, so I know the coffee isn't just coming from a giant vat of brew that's been sitting on the shelf for six hours.

Pros: "Sippy cup" type lid keeps spillage to a minimum, while maximizing content-to-mouth-ratio.  Which is, essentially, me saying the exact same thing...but twice.

Cons: It looks like you're drinking out of a sippy cup.

I'm buzzed and my fingers are loose.  Time to write about the good stuff.  Time to write about caped crusaders, magical robots and shirtless He-Men.

Time to write about the Phoenix Comicon.

See you soon!