S.L.U.G. Zombies!

Halloween is, like, NEXT WEEK.

Am I prepared?  No idea.  Fine, not at all.  

I've procrastinated long enough -- it's time to get my Halloween on.  Yeah, I'm gonna carve a pumpkin.  It's essential.  I'm gonna hastily decorate the front door for the two kids in the area who'll actually be trick-or-treating this year.  I will absolutely consume an entire bag of fun-sized Twix, instantly regret this act of Halloween gluttony and curl up on the couch in sugar-shame.

There will be movie marathons, there will be pumpkin flavored beer, there will be trips to the costume shops to by fake mustaches, cowboy hats and over sized spiders.

Of course, every store now is loaded with Halloween junk, all of which I've yet to fully investigate.  I've heard CVS has some swank product, and even Wal-Mart rolled out a fine stock of wares.  Target, of course, never lets me down, and this year is no different.  Firmly tucked away from the actual "Halloween section," (hey, close enough) I found these:

S.L.U.G. Zombies, man.  I doubt they were created to spark Halloween cheer into the hearts of all, but that's exactly what they did to me.  These are perfect.  THESE ARE HALLOWEEN.

Thankfully, people know how much of a loser I am.  A swell fellow online gave me the heads up on these things, which quickly turned into curiosity, jealousy then a full-blown obsession.  All based on a few photos on the Internet.  From what I could conjure up, these were M.U.S.C.L.E., Guts!, and Monster in My Pocket, all smashed up and spit out into a charming three-pack.  But wait!  They even have "mystery packs."  Giant sized packs.  A fucking carrying case for these things.  It's everything I've ever loved, past and present, here and now.  There's an obscure, hidden equation for time travel in that revelation.  It's your job to figure it out.

Yeah, they're pretty much a total rip of all the above mentioned, but that's why they're so great.  This time around, instead of army brats and half naked wrestlers, we're offered ghoulish, zombie-fied parodies of...well, whoever.  Andre Agassi, Rambo, Hulk Hogan.  Chefs, actors, historical figures, movie characters.  But they're rotting and dead and can fit in your mouth.  They're S.L.U.G.s.

"Scary Little Ugly Guys."  Get it?

I only intended to pick up one, maybe two packs of these guys.  But nope.  For whatever reason, I could only find the whole of "Series 2," which is a total of sixteen freaks.  Which I just had to have.  This is why I don't have friends, guys.

I'm unsure as to what the significance is with one being salmon-pink in each case, but I like to think it's a reference to M.U.S.C.L.E's awkward decision to make a brunt of their action figures...well, salmon-pink.  It's a comforting thought.  Thanks, guys!

Anyway, I dig them all.  But if I had to pick, my favorite would be "Mash-Up Mike."  He truly looks grotesque, with a classic "grappling" type pose.  I feel like I can easily direct scenarios of violence with him, with his hands out for perfect, punching power.  He also has a mohawk and a tiny bone-necklace.  It's all about the details.

I really like how each three-pack comes with a designated three.  Like, they could have mixed and matched each pack until the variations became random and endless, causing you to buy-buy-buy until you were broke-broke-broke, but they helped you out by keeping it consistent.  Thanks again, guys!

I guess that's it.  What more can be said?  I'm off to do some more Halloween-y things, and you should, too.  Only tonight and tomorrow to stuff in as much candy, Troma films and seasonal window clings into your life.

Well, more than you/we usually do.