Let's Get This Halloween Party Started.

Every Halloween season I'm going to buy black and orange crap. It's just the way it is and there's no way around it -- it's a cold, hard fact. As soon as I was able to muster the courage to buy socks with tiny ghosts on it, my life was changed. The doorway to my own personal hell was blown wide open.

In my world, the grand tradition of hunting and gathering all the best and worst Halloween decorations rivals that of a ritzy cruise on a large boat, or finding a really cool hat that actually looks good on you. A comfortable one, too, mind you. BASICALLY IT'S JUST REALLY GREAT.

Usually, this is a month of spending way too much and not regretting a damn thing about it, but I've noticed that things have changed over time. These days, I'm not sure I need any more porcelain in the shape of a pumpkin, or the many different and unique versions of a severed hand.

I dunno, now I'm starting to sound like a grump. Maybe the Halloween Spirit hasn't hit me yet, or maybe it's because I've yet to even bother. I haven't been to a costume shop yet, I've procrastinated the planning out of my annual scary movie marathon and there hasn't been a single appearance of any kind of popcorn ball.

My life is in shambles.

And I need an intervention. I need to get off my ass and get going before it's the beginning of November and I wish I was dead. I love to complain, but the best thing I can do at this point is to hike up my pants, put on a pot of strong coffee and do. Do it all and do it fast. Get all Halloween-y all up in my shit.

So, that being said, I'm starting a new tradition this year.

Carving jack-o-lanterns, scanning daytime television for any Roseanne Halloween episodes, wishing it was colder outside, etc. All are well crafted and established traditions, but the idea of starting my own? It's already lifting me out of my funk.

For about a year, I've been collecting my loose change in a bright orange pumpkin pail. A few cents here, a handful of quarters there, whatever I could spare. You know how this works so I'll shut up now.

Well, the other day I decided to officially bag them up, rolled 'em into their wiener casings and took them to the bank. Normally, I'd chuck them into the automatic change counters, but I don't wanna pay the fee for their services, and I dare not donate this to whatever charity they're pushing (they give you a last-minute option to be a saint) but this is fuck-you Halloween, not good-Samaritan Christmas, SO NO THANK YOU.

Here's my plan:

I cashed in my year of hard work, and will now use all the money from this Great Pumpkin to enhance my docile Halloween mood. If there's one thing I know, it's how to work some magical retail therapy. It'll be my Happy Halloween Good Time Bucket, granting devilish wishes and desires all under the predetermined price range. I will instantly want towring, commanding gifts, but will have to settle for bent cutouts of Dracula's face, and that's a-okay with me. Take me to a better place, HGTB.

First off, I couldn't hit up the big stuff right off the bat. I had to ease into my HGTB adventure. I had to start small, naturally, then go nuts. But since my change exchange didn't drop that much money into my lap, and I had some time to think with a clear mind, I figured I'd go for the stuff I've had my eye on for a while. All the non-Halloween and completely unrelated things to what I'm bloggin about this very moment, basically. HGTB, lead the way.

Now, my Amazon wish list is huge. I've been addicted to this site ever since my first stint took me to a glorious new world a scant eight months ago, when I realized what a beautiful marketplace for junk it is. To me, it seems like a less confusing eBay, which I like. And almost every week I add terribly unimportant things to it, in hopes that one day I'll be able to cross everything off. Playing "I Want This" is a great game to play.

So I bought that thing above! But what is it?

A Guitar Wolf poster! It's not the biggest poster around, which I tried to hide with such a zoomed in angle, but it gets the point across. Cool dudes looking cool. It's from their "Planet of the Wolves" album, which sounds like crap but it's called "Planet of the Wolves," so all is forgiven.

If I had to base my entire life around something, it would be this poster. If you know me, you know my love for Guitar Wolf. They're just so...so cool. It's all I can ever say.

For ten dollars, I now have a new deity/inspirational mantra. "Planet of the Wolves" will be chanted for no warranted reason, but I know it'll make me feel all good and merry inside. I'm going to hang it up in my closet and lay out lit candles in honor, awe and exaltation.

I know it's October 6th, and although that may be early for some, it's damn late for me. So, without further adieu.

Let's get this Halloween party started.