Tuesday, October 18, 2011


Tuesday is awesome. Because Tuesday, this Tuesday, I have received a gift. A "Happy Halloween!" kinda gift. Good timing, too, because Halloween is coming up. Did you know that Halloween was coming up?

What are you? What secrets do you hide behind your hard, plastic exterior?

I already know. And it's unbelievable.

Nestled within the confines of suppressed data and science-y stuff, every friggin' episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000!" The Calabrese Manor will be lit up with joy and cheer. A celebration will be had!

Katie Lynn, a great pal o' mine, sent this to me. I don't really deserve such nice things, but I will have you know, I am the greatest gift receiver. I'm just so natural when it comes to these kinds of abilities, and I'm sure that, in the end, it surely must count for something.

Now, we talk online and around Facebook, about this and that, so on and so forth. Mainly, we talk about "Mystery Science Theater 3000." We bonded, she took time and effort to offer a token of our friendship through a brick of burnt DVDs and I've been smiling since.

I will, no doubt, return the favor.

Just give me, like, nine years.

I can't wait to watch this. It might take up the rest of year, but it puts me in just the right mood for Halloween. "MST3K" isn't necessarily Halloween-ish, but at this juncture in my life, I stopped caring about all that. Anything I like while in the thirty-one day time frame of October is now, by law, considered Halloween-ish -- life is way more fun while in this mindset. Why, just the other day I took the best Halloween Nap of my life! Did I also mention that I Halloween Flossed my teeth last night, too?

I don't understand the technical process behind this creation, nor the legality of this bundled up, copyrighted mess, but I thank you, I thank everyone behind this and I thank them with all of my heart. And truly, I promise to visit you in jail at least once a month when you're caught, prosecuted and locked up for the crimes you've commited.

Included was a vampire poppet, who looks to be made of papier mache and is missing his legs. This doesn't pose a problem, because without his legs, his pants/shoes are free to dangle wildly. He will sit and eat popcorn with me, floppy limbs and all. This is his function. This is his life.

Also, I'm glad I got to use the word "poppet." I like that word. Poppet.

And if all that wasn't enough, I'm rewarded with bloody fingers, too!

I fancy myself a connoisseur of the fake hand, a triumphant gag gift that can either be really mundane and goofy or sick and fucked up looking. It's just a whole lotta fun, whether you lay one out on your coffee table for guffaws or use it to practice hip, urban handshakes with. The fake hand is unique, versatile and multifaceted. Now, fake fingers? It's a whole 'nother beast we're screwing with.

I like them. There's at least that. I get a more sinister feeling with fake fingers, though, which is great for when Halloween is turning into too much of a pussy. The broken bones, blood streaks and life-like fingernails really add to the Halloween horror, so suck it up and grow a pair, boys, this is the real deal. Lay 'em out in your front yard or throw them into your friend's Mountain Dew, the world is ours!

It's weird, getting fingers sent in the mail makes it seem like a loved one has been kidnapped and tortured. If you notice, there's only four fingers presented, too. Makes me wonder...where's the fifth and final finger? To me, it looks like the ring finger is missing, which might generate an even deeper meaning behind the Case of the Four Fingered Hand. Is there something behind all this tomfoolery? Is this the final piece to the puzzle? Chew on that, dear readers.

Coming up next:

Monster masks! Creepy toys! Wet pumpkin guts FTW!

Stay tuned!


  1. I wish I was in a rock band so people would send me Free MST3K and fingers. what a lucky bastard.

  2. I'm so jealous! I love that freakin show! Me and my brother tried to make our own MST3K with old horror movies...probably not as funny but fun as hell! After a few beers, I'm quite clever!