Thursday, October 29, 2009

Pumpkin Carving, or "How I Ruined My Reputation."

Pumpkin fun. There, I said it. I can't truly stick up for it in a fight, but I'm definitely rooting for it to not have it's face pummeled in. And believe you me, it's semi-soft, hollowed out body is easily pummelable. A real fuckin' mess.

You see, carving pumpkins has a stigma surrounding it. Not unlike dying eggs during Easter or stockpiling Teen Titans DVDs (seasons 1 through 3) there's just something unbelievably childish about it. Not saying that it is childish, and that you're instantly deemed a vacant, dead-eyed child molester for partaking in the festivities, but c'mon, we all know it's reserved for the kiddies and, lucky for them, the parents of the kiddies. There's a fine line to carving pumpkins, too. You don't really wanna advertise it to all your friends, unless it's bordering the ironic, "look at how zany and Halloweeny I am!" gameplan, nor do you wanna attempt that gameplan when your friends simply can't fall for something like that. And if you dare throw caution to the wind and try to get others involved, it can magically warp into the most awkward disaster of the month.

"Hey, guys! Wanna carve pumpkins this weekend?"


"Alright then! It was a pleasure being friends with ya!"

It's like shoving Castle Greyskull under your bed, or cramming your Magneto helmet in the closet before a girl comes over. Gotta keep it on the downlow, ya know? So swallow your pride, close the curtains and carve the night away in creepy, monotonous silence. Besides, it's more Halloween that way!

But in all seriousness, once you hit a certain age, no one gives a fuck or can seriously claim to give a fuck. When everyone's living their adult lives and watching reruns of "Lost," no one's gonna want to or have time to bust your balls for slicing up a fruit to look like a face. Or is it a vegetable? Kinda like how a tomato is a fruit? I hate this blog already!

Let's carve some pumpkins!

My first attempt proved that I like my jack-o-lanterns to look as cliche as possible. Like something out of a movie set in a rural, middle-class neighborhood in October. Not too garish, not confusingly bland, just about in between offensively flashy and pure shit. I think it looks good. Solid.

My next attempt involved going comletely out on a limb, taking my skills in a whole new direction. I decided, instead of triangles for eyes, I'd go the circular route. Start shaping it into more of a bug-eyed looking thing, like a bright orange fly of death. At this point, I said to myself, "I'm going to make this one look like Vincent Price," ultimately, allowing me to make it look nothing like Vincent Price and everything kinda like Jack Skellington.

I really wanted to get a good photo of said pumpkin. I really did. But I dropped the ball and missed my opportunity, because, apparently, I got the worst pumpkins in the world 'cause they melted into the ground a day and a half later. But if you look closely, my second creation is on the left. Looking more like a deflated basketball with teeth. What a neat Halloween surprise!

So have fun, enjoy the Halloween season! It's a quick, easy way to blow off a little steam during the work week, like a relaxing, 30 mintue yoga session, if yoga allowed you to use knives.